im up im up

NO not my weight wich yesterday when i weighed it was the lowest its been in awhile but then of course i ate. we ended up going to dennys, i had a side salad and then a chicken sandwich with fries, and lots of ranch dressing! bad bad i no! anyway i came home and weighed like a dummy, well just for fun and i was up 5 pds. wow didnt no you can gain that much like that lol. didnt eat anything else till 10 and had a can of vegetible soup and went to bed around 2.

im so miserable right now, i hate having to get up early because i just dont do mornings and thats when i feel my worst. i have a headache and feel sick to my stomache, this why i really dont eat breakfast. i sure hope my meds kick in soon i have a lunch date at 2!

its sooooo hot out today and humid, i like sunny days dont get me wrong but i dont enjoy hot days! im more happy in like fall , spring type weather! oh well cant control nature. bf still sleeping i hope he manages to cut the grass today it needs it, i hate when it starts to get long it looks so messy. it never fails, the neighbor on one side will cut their grass and so will the other and we havent and we are in the middle so we really stick out like a sore thumb! lol

tryed to find out where my sons teachers house is for the party tuesday, i wanted to have an idea so i dont spend all day trying to find it by myself. we found it i think, we forgot to bring the accual address but we were in her neighborhood. what can i say........ wow these houses are beautiful and huge and new! her husband must have a really good job because she didnt buy that on her salery im sure! these were like my dream home! anyway gonna get off here and get my son something to eat. hope everyone has a wonderful sunday, stay cool! later

beautiful hot saterday

SO i hear its hot outside but im not going to find out anytime soon, ill just stay right here and listen to my music! something about music can just put you in a better mood or get you moovin! for me it gives me a adrenaline rush like iv just drank a cup of coffee lol im very sensitive to caffeine and dont drink reg soda and rarley diet because it can me feel really sick, so if music gives me a rush i will take it!

bf and son are out doin their own thing and thats okay i like me time, quite time! they should be home soon though we have to go to walmart to pick up some stuff. not really sure what else we will get into.

im hungrey but i wont eat......... this is why i have a weight problem i go all day without eating till like around 4 then i eat and then it seems all nite i wanna eat. iv done this for as long as i can remember and i dont no why. i no its no good for me and duh i dont loose weight but when youve done it for so long its hard to break the cycle. if i ate 3 times a day or every 4 or 6 hrs i feel like im pigging out lol but i dont feel that when i go all day till evening to eat?????? i just dont get myself sometimes.

im going to lunch with my friend tomm we are going to bugaboo creek, they have really good food and my fav..... onion soup. we are going at 2pm. see when i eat lunch with her im normally good the rest of the day, i not hungrey till like 10pm
hopefully if i end up getting weight loss surgery i can learn to eat better and at the right times. its on my TO DO LIST!

This week will be my son last week of school and then he will be going into 1st grade! im so excited, i really wasnt sure if he would pass kindergarden, they exspect them to no alot more these days but he did good. hes learned how to read and tell time alittle, im very shocked! my sons teacher is having a pool party on tuesday and only one parent could bring their kid and well who do you think has to take my son..... ME! this really scares me, i dont do well with people i dont no. i can be really shy unless i feel comfortable with you. But im trying to look at this as a good thing, it will make my son so happy and he wants me to meet his friends. i hope his bestfriend will be there because then i can hopefully talk to his mom and see about him coming over one day during the summer so him and my son can play and go on this super water slide we have. theres no kids for my son to play with around here so hes always bored out of his mind and he dont like going outside. I no i can do this and its only for 2hrs, its not as bad as i make it seem in my head and im sure i will have a good time, if not oh well ill get over it. see i gotta try to talk to myself positive, even if its a lie hehe

i feel lighter today, im sure iv lost something......

well thats it for now, hope everyone is having a good day. later

Today wasnt a bad day but wasnt good either. nothing happened i just wasnt happy and didnt feel peppy like yesterday. i wanted to be alone and have quite! once my son gets home from school though its time for the noise and hes so loud, iv gotta constantly tell him quit yelling lol. i was so glad when his father came home and took him out with him to run some errands so i could be alone. just one of those days where loud noise , jumping around etc was driving me crazy. still no results yet from my test..........maybe tomm??? i can only hope.

I was watching this show earlier called bait car or something like that, people are so dumb, trying to steal cars. i feel no sympathy for people who steal etc. thats why i hardley trust anyone these day.

write now im watching a show dealing with people with ocd. now iv joked before and said im alittle ocd and i think i really am but man these people i feel so bad for them, it controls their life majorally! i get real anxouis having to go places by myself , dont no why but i do. i get nervous calling people on the phone , dont no why lol. when i dont clean my house wich is alot less often then before, i use to vacuum my floors twice a day now im lucky if i do it every other day. anyway it haunts me, i feel soo dirty if i dont get it done and ill think about it all day. BUT i try to not let it control me, iv had to say to myself there is more to life then wether i vacuumed the floor that day, even if it makes me feel good. so i have some deep issues wich im sure come from my up bringing but you gotta try to not let it control you. wish i could say the same for food, thats an issue too! oh and dont get me started on shoes worn in the house i cant stand that and dont allow it.

Man i shouldnt watch this show it makes me think to much! lol

so hopefully we will be going to karaoke tomm nite wich is burger nite! dont feel much like having a burger but it would be nice to go out for even an hr.

iv gained 5 pds :( not happy but i keep loosing and gaining the same 5pds couple times aweek. i no my eating could be better and i need to watch that. damn that orange cake haunting me in the kitchen. see i do something nice for bf, bake him a cake and now its like i wanna just keep eatin it lol. thats why i havent made a cake in over a year. i feel like all over the place, my mind is just racing.

i think im gonna try to go to sleep. awesome to see i have some new readers, Yay! SORRY im not intresting to read, i wasnt blessed with story telling lol. later

waiting.........

I hate waiting!
im not a patient person..... well i am when it comes to certain things but not when it comes to results!
i had the pee test done thursday and catscan on friday so im waiting for my results. i just wanna no something. its like tell me something already. im hoping and i no this sounds crazy but i hope they do find something so that im not crazy and the pain i was feeling is real and just so i no whats going on with me. if they dont find anything then its like hmmmm where do we go from here, i hate that! most of the time you give up and just deal with the problem then, then to have to look into it further.

friday nite we went out for karaoke after my test and had a good time. it was nice seeing friends i havent seen in while, plus to sing, i love to sing!
the rest of the weekend was pretty boring, it was just another weekend.

Today was the love of my life aka my boyfriends birthday, he turned 38 today, man hes getting old lol j/k
i cooked him a roast and mash potatoes and corn for dinner. i say i cant cook and i really cant that well but i make a good roast or so my family says! i put it in the crockpot with some onions and ajue or however you say and some seasoning and just let it do its thing. 7 hrs later its falling apart and soaking up the juice, yum yum love my crockpot! i also baked him a orange cake with buttercream frosting that i added some orange astract to, he likes orange cake so thats why i chose that. so it was a nice day and i accually felt pretty good today, got stuff done around the house wich always makes me happy.

dont no whats in store this week but hopefully its a good one. later......

got some things done

MY BF DIDNT have work today so he was able to take me to some offices to fill out papers and then i got my pee test done and have an appt tomm nite to get catscan done. had to drink that nasty milky stuff, yuck! then drink the rest an hr before my appt yippie lol. got my new meds and here in a bit gonna test out this muscle relaxer lol i hope it dont make me feel sick.

so bascially as long as i get this stuff done thats on my list i will be fine, if i dont i just keep thinking and thinking about it, im like a liitle ocd i think! i can stress myself out over the stupidest things and i hate that.

money is an issue right now and so im stressed! we bought this truck we needed so we could accually get around without fear of breaking down but it sucked are money supply down. bf hasnt had much work latley wich is scary, normally winter is the time we struggle not summer! so i have that worry on my plate right now and trying to figure out where we can cut back. im very glad my new medical insurance will help with all these test and drs i have to see are id be stressing about that.

I no i'll get through it, everyone has hard times! thanks everyone for your comments i no it seems i whine and cry all the time about how i dont feel good lol its my nature unfortuanlly and its my life. my blog is for me to write how i feel wether it be nuthing but whining its my blog so either read it or dont!

no one said anything to me to make me write the last sentence. i guess i just feel guilty sometimes with all my complaining and like i have to make my blog about what people wanna read. but i realize these are my feelings and im tired of caring so much about what other people think!

this is going to be a hot summer! this week so far has been sooo hot, humid, if you have trouble breathing in general its not good! PRAISE THE LORD FOR A/C!!! lol i serouisly dont think i could go back to not having it. grew up my 20 some yrs with out it, met my bf and hes just gotta have it are thinks hes dying so now im the same way! thats it for now......

i wanna hide

Had a good weekend, went to cowtown and made it around the fleamarket but got wore out like i figured would happen. sunday went to my friends familys house and had a good time, ate good food and the kids played on the water slide. it was a nice hot day for it!

Today i went to my rhemy drs appt. he said my muscle test came back good and my levels have went down so that was good. i told him though iv been so sick it seems ever since we increased my one med and so he decided that even though its helping my levels to go down that we should lower the meds back down and see if i feel any better since its making me feel ill! iv gotta get a pee pee test and a catscan done to find out whats going on with this pain on my left side as he he has no clue, wich i figured he would say. also wants me to set up appt for a pulmologist lung dr as im having harder time breathing....... then i gotta set up appt to see the surgeon to get my gallbladder out....... plus gotta set up appt for john hopkins so i can see the rhemy dr there, just waiting on my drs office to fax referrel and records. IM OVERWELMED! i hate calling people and normally keep putting it off but i no i cant. i just get so darn overwlemed. i need someone to just make all my appts for me and ill go, how does that sound lol. he called in prescription for new pain meds as the oxycodone just makes me feel sick and he called in muscle relaxer for the spasms im having. i said to the dr even though you say the muscle test came back lower i dont feel any different....i guess i thought we get down this low i should feel like hop skipping around, have all the energy in the world, so not the case. he said i probobly wouldnt feel much difference and wont till we get where we need to be. i just wonder if its my mind set holding me back. iv felt bad for what seems like so long do i no what it feels like to feel good again. im my worst enemy!

anywhoo its hot and gonna be hot the rest of the week in the 80's and close to 90's whoa baby! well thats it for now

i did it!

Well......
i went to the graduation and was glad i went! at first it was very uncomfortable and i didnt no what to say how to act but later i was fine. my family members i was having problems with we ended up having a heart to heart and they apologized and said theyve missed me alot! i said i appreciated it and am glad we are trying to fix are relationship but....... i cant just jump back in like that, i was hurt, you need to win back my trust because right now its just not there!

we ended up going to dinner aferwards at bugaboo creek wich is yummy resturant. i got home late that nite, not till 11:30 or so. i no now i will never be in a rush to say yes to going to a graduation, they are longggg!

SOO then ever since thursday iv been so sick! iv got pain on my left side of my body up to my shoulder and muscle spasms. i have no clue whats going on. i had the same thing couple weeks ago and it lasted for couple days. its very painful and i can hardley move. iv been popping pain pills and in bed alot! iv been told it could be something with my kidneys. i really wish i had went to er when it first started...... but no i hate the er and just suffer with the pain, yet that doesnt help me because i dont no what the heck is going on with me! i see my rhemy tuesday so ill tell him and see what he says, probobly send me to get an mri. im hoping its just side effects from meds or something and not really my kidneys, GOD i cant take no more!

we are going to try to venture to cowtown tomm morning, its a big indoor outdoor flea type market. i havent been there in a long time. im hoping i feel well enough to go, iv felt better today but still have pain when i cough or bend a certain way, bend over. i invited my friend to go so fingers crossed. well even if i dont feel good i can just suck it up for a bit! if i never went anywhere as bad as i feel most
days id really have no life or enjoyment so gotta suck it up!

so basically looking forward to the weekend, iv got plans lol! hope everyone has a good one.