all over the place

okay so this about says it all! lol im probobly going to be all over the place writing today cause i just have so much stuff on my mind. i havent been around because i just...... dont no....... havent felt like writing . iv been a moody you no what this week and having headaches everyday, wich is normal every month pretty much. i no to much info but basically i get all the symptoms of pmsing but dont get the flow if you no what i mean, i havent had one in like 8 months. i guess my body is so outta wack. but yea still get all the crappyness feelings!

todays not good for me because weve lost another good person in the world, why cant the bad evil people die, why the good? ill never understand! my boyfriends cousins wifes father passed away this morning in bed, wich if your gonna go thats the way i wanna go. im heart broken he was just such a wonderful, caring, giving person. he was in his 70's i believe and this was tottally un exspected wich is what scares me the most. iv been trying to reach my dad and he just doesnt answer the darn phone, it really ticks me off! he doesnt have caller id so he assumes its solisters, wich i dont want to talk to them either but hey its your daughter trying to see how the heck you are! i havent talked to him since jan. havent seen him since christmas. im just worrying about him because hes all alone and if something happened to him and i never got to say how i feel i would never be able to forgive myself. im glad my sis sees him at least once a week and my brothers see him i just cant because he lives like 45 mins away and are piece of crap car might not make it there and with all the working bf was doing couldnt get there to see him. he wont come see me, but im not going to go there because thats a hurt and resentment i cant hold on to. iv got to be the bigger person and make the effort to see him even though it works both ways. i wanted this entry to be a happy one but it just isnt looking that way is it! when i have thoughts in my head though iv gotta get it out or it would eat me alive , you no what i mean. just like earlier today i didnt need to hear from my sister whos like a mother to me that earlier this week she thought about killing herself, i dont think she would but you never no. she doesnt realize what she does to me by saying that, am i suppose to be well okay, good for you for not going thrue with it???????? i yelled at her and was like your being stupid, there is nothing that bad in this world that is worth taking your life. plus i always add that its a sin and i do believe even though i dont go to church that they say its a sin and you will go to hell. i tell her you will never get to see our mother again in heaven if you do something to yourself and that gets her upset! she just doesnt seem to think i care about stuff because i dont always show my feelings are havent always been able to. but i think iv changed alot in that aspect, im always telling people i love them and tell them what i think about stuff instead of beating around the bush. and i appreciate life way more than i ever have. some people iv learned you just cant change and you cant change their way of thinking and if they dont think i love them even though i go out of my way to show them then what more can i do??????? i cant spend the rest of my life guit ridden everytime its thrown in my face something i didnt do or heck even someones birthday i forgot. i say get over it! you dont have to forget but you shouldnt always throw it back in someone face, we all make mistakes and always will.

so on to happy news i finally caught up with my niece last saterday and we went bowling, it was a pretty good time. it would have been better if her 2yr old wasnt having a melt down because he was tired! so for the 3 hrs we were there 2 were pretty bad and the last hr was better because he was napping and then when he woke up last half hr the kids started playing together. we are planning to get together sometime soon just dont no when. my son is doing so much better, thought he had pink eye there last week, he ended up having sinus infection. he finally had a physical done and hes all good right now and the dr says my son is what they call a kid who thinks outside the box! you aint kidding, if he only new lol. so thats really about it around here, im waiting on my blood work results yet again a week n half later, imagine that! my boyfriend is like why do you care so much if anythings changed they will call you, im like if you were sick wouldnt you like to no whats going on with you??????? sorry i care to no whether im getting better, sick or staying the same thats just me. i had to tell him that was just a stupid thing to say, mean arent i lol! see even when im down and out and what ever i still can have a sence of humor, youve got too! well im pretty sure im forgetting something but i think this entry is long enough! hope everyone has a great weekend. hugs