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Thursday, May 6, 2010

sooooo

So we all no i can be a miserable a$$ GASP!lol today i was quite miserable, im just so tired of not feeling good i just wanna be alone! i mean everything EVERYTHING was iritating me today, the cat the dog, the bf, the kid, i just wanna find them all a new home and be alone! i no deep down down im just not happy with myself and the guilt i carry around with me makes me just want to be alone , when i really dont want to be. i have guilt that im not a good girlfriend anymore because im always not well but i do tell him and thank him for everything, just dont feel its good enough! i have a wonderful bf and even though we have a great relationship im always waiting and thinking one day hes gonna get fed up with me and being sick and just not wanting to do things, i no he misses the old me, DAMN i do too! shes inside of me and i no one day she will be back but in the mean time how can i besides telling him always, show my love and appreciation??? i feel like a bad mom because my son likes attention and even though i dont have a life really i find myself pushing him away sometimes, dont want to be bothered........... i hate hurting my son i love him soooooo much . i wish he could go to someone else right now till i can get all better and then i can give him the attention he needs. telling him i love him isnt good enough i need to really show it but i just get so frustrated and impatient and wanna be alone. i do try to explain to him why i am the way i am but hes six what do i espect hes not going to understand. he just nos im moody and i yell and am not happy and i wanna be alone. I HATE THAT! so i guess what i need to no is i no how how i am, where do i go from here????? i dont no what brought this on tonite i guess just feeling sad, not for myself but just the people i love, i dont mean to be the way i am sometimes, the guilt always hits me later. i no one day im sorry will not be good enough..............

2 comments:

TJ said...

When we don't feel like ourselves- especially if we suffer from sickness or pain (I can relate) we tend to push the people we love away. Sounds like you have a lot of love in your life- be patient, and take one day at a time. Hope things get better for you! xoxo hang in there!

Missie said...

When I'm having a bad fibro flare, I tend to want to be alone too. It's a natural reaction and nothing we should feel guilty for.

Happy Mother's Day!