i did it!

Well......
i went to the graduation and was glad i went! at first it was very uncomfortable and i didnt no what to say how to act but later i was fine. my family members i was having problems with we ended up having a heart to heart and they apologized and said theyve missed me alot! i said i appreciated it and am glad we are trying to fix are relationship but....... i cant just jump back in like that, i was hurt, you need to win back my trust because right now its just not there!

we ended up going to dinner aferwards at bugaboo creek wich is yummy resturant. i got home late that nite, not till 11:30 or so. i no now i will never be in a rush to say yes to going to a graduation, they are longggg!

SOO then ever since thursday iv been so sick! iv got pain on my left side of my body up to my shoulder and muscle spasms. i have no clue whats going on. i had the same thing couple weeks ago and it lasted for couple days. its very painful and i can hardley move. iv been popping pain pills and in bed alot! iv been told it could be something with my kidneys. i really wish i had went to er when it first started...... but no i hate the er and just suffer with the pain, yet that doesnt help me because i dont no what the heck is going on with me! i see my rhemy tuesday so ill tell him and see what he says, probobly send me to get an mri. im hoping its just side effects from meds or something and not really my kidneys, GOD i cant take no more!

we are going to try to venture to cowtown tomm morning, its a big indoor outdoor flea type market. i havent been there in a long time. im hoping i feel well enough to go, iv felt better today but still have pain when i cough or bend a certain way, bend over. i invited my friend to go so fingers crossed. well even if i dont feel good i can just suck it up for a bit! if i never went anywhere as bad as i feel most
days id really have no life or enjoyment so gotta suck it up!

so basically looking forward to the weekend, iv got plans lol! hope everyone has a good one.

letting go of the hurt

Had a pretty good day today.......... went and got my bloodwork done, so im glad i got that out of the way. went to the carnival tonite and my son had fun! it wasnt much of a carnival only about 12 or maybe a little more rides. they only had cotton candy there nothing else so i couldnt get myself in trouble eating junk! lol luckley i dont care for cotton candy.

got a very unexspected phone call from someone i hadnt spoke to in a month or more. we parted not so good and feelings were hurt, mostly mine! anyway i was asked to go to their graduation and at first i was like HELL NO, thinking this to myself. i didnt wanna go because i still have hurt feelings and im not one to pretend all is okay and good now, my face will say it all! lol but i got to thinking, its family, i gotta pull up my big girl panties and be the bigger person and set my feelings aside for a couple hrs. i just hope i can do it! iv gotta go somewheres iv never been wich freaks me out, be around some others wich have hurt me and try to be civilized, its going to be hard.......... but i no if i can do this that im trying and trying to better myself and do things that i would normally not do because it makes me uncomfortable. im also going because im proud that this person is finishing school, i never finished high school and regret it soooooo very much and have tried the nite school thing and tryed to do the ged but just couldnt ever do it. when things get to hard i tend to quit! so anyway thats that. thanks to all that comment on my blog, i appreciate your comments! lol

im starving

im soooo hungrey, or so i think i am! im watching diners drivein and dives , not to smart of me lol. my weekend was pretty uneventful........ saterday i just pretty much layed around as i wasnt feeling the greatest and just had no energy. my loving boyfriend brought me steamed shrimp that day, yum! love that man! sunday just hit walmart for are usual weekley stuff we buy like milk, bread, meds , you get the idea.

this week is busy, well busy to me. keep in mind 7 days out of the week i get out maybe once or twice. i need to get blood work done this week so ill have my results by next week , i have a rhemy appt. i need to hit another spot to fill out some papers. daddy wants to take our son to the carnival that is here this week so he mentioned going tomm. dont no whats on the ajenda sat, was invited to a bbq from a friend but not a friend i see very often and shes going to have tons of people there i wont no and that makes me uncomfortable so im sure im not going. sunday friends invited us over for memorial day party so we are going to that. i have to make either brownies or peanutbutter tandycakes. i will need my bf's help in the kitchen as desserts or cooking are not my thing nor am i that good at it!lol. so feels like a busy week to me lol to some this is what they do in a day lol

my boyfriends birthday is coming up its the 7th and i just dont no what to do for him. i normally just get him a card and tell him to go buy himself something pretty lol i dont no what to buy him, id rather you get something you like as he never likes what i pick out anyhow. so iv gotta try to make some escuse to get the truck as he takes it to work everyday, he doesnt need to though. iv gotta get the truck and get to the store so i can buy a card and buy him a cake or something. but ......trying to get the truck isnt easy as he no's i never rarley go anywhere and i hate to drive so iv gotta really think about this.

i kinda am looking forward to summer now so i can get out of the house and maybe go swimming???? family has inground pool that they open up and hopefully will this year and no one hardley ever gets in it. i think and i no this will be good for me and my muscles, plus it will give my son something to do.

ugh the 22 pds i lost recently are creeping up on me! i gained 5 back in 2 weeks, could be worse. i guess im not feeling as bad and im eating more,i cant live on soup and crackers. i am swollen so at least couple of those pounds is that. i just no i need to try and watch what i eat the best i can because i dont want nor need to gain any weight!

well i guess thats it for now, im getting tired! have a good week.

survey

Got this off another blog, can i buy another vowel? going from fat to fit!since i have nothing really to say today as its just been another day, here you go!


1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
closed, i never have my door opened unless getting clothes out, dont want my cat getting hair on my clothes.

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels?
most deffiently, ill take whatever is free!

3. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
well we have a fitted sheet on the bed but i lay on it and bf sleeps under it, i cant be under it i feel smothered! i also sleep with one leg outside the cover unless im toooo cold :P

4. Would you rather be attacked by a bear or a swarm of bees?
ahhhhhh bees id be more likley to live.

5. Do you have freckles?
I do, you only see them though when i get some sun. im pretty white right now so i havent seen them in awhile.

6. What is your biggest pet peeve?
wow i have many! liars, unreliable people, fake people, etc etc i could go on and on.....

7. Have you ever peed in the woods?
Yes not that i wanted to but had no choice. growing up you could say i was kinda prissy so peeing in the woods wasnt nice lol i think i was just afraid of peeing on my clothes!

8. Do you ever dance if there’s no music playing?
um not really

9. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
naaaaaa i just tap them.

10. Is it ok for guys to wear pink?
i suppose, depends on the guy and what color pink!

11. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
mcdonalds sweet n sour, honey mustard

12. What is your favorite food?
chinese food, italian sub.......

13. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
cindarella man, beetlejuice, anything animated!

14. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
nope

15. Can you change the oil on a car?
deffiently not

16. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
no thank god! never got pulled over either!

17. Ever ran out of gas?
nope im very aware of the gas gage!

18. Are you lazy?
i most deffiently can be....

19. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
really whatever we could make , parents didnt wanna spend money on custumes. i was a crayon, grape,baby, some scary thing, who nos what else.

20. How many languages can you speak?
just english

21. Who is better…Leno or Letterman?
cant really say i dont watch enough

22. Do you sing in the car?
yes most deffiently, singing is my life!

23. Ever eat a pierogi?
Yes very tasty!

24. First concert?
ummmm as i was too poor to ever see boy bands growing up my first was when i was around 19,20 and it was brooks n dunn in atlantic city.

25. Where would you be able to spend hours and be happy?
at the beach listening to the waves!

26. What’s your favorite kind of doughnut?
Glazed or something they have around here called managers special..... chocolate glazed donut cut in half with frosting or some kind of thick whippy cream in between and sprinkles on top!

27. Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
3 tattoos, couple holes in my ears. use to have my tongue pierced but took that out 2 years ago.

28. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?
my boyfriend. none of my friends call me they text wich i hate! miss the old days when thats what you had to do.

29. Are you still friends with the people you knew in middle school or high school?
i have still one good friend from highschool. i was very shy so didnt make friends easley :(

30. What is the last thing you ate?
wheat thin crackers

31. What did you want to be when you grew up?
A singer!

32. Name three things that are close to you:
My cell phone, remote,cup

33. What was your best subject in school?
english

34. What is your favourite restaurant?
hmmmmm applebees right now because i love their onion soup!

35. Any hidden talents?
not a hidden talent but iv been told i sing really good.

36. What is your favourite girl’s name?
I have a couple of fav's, miley, lilly,cheyanne

37. Would you rather be a rock star or a famous athlete?
rockstar!

38. What are you wearing right now?
grey shirt, pajama capris with hearts and design on them

39. Did you graduate from college?
nope, didnt even finish highschool, regret it all the time!

40. Do you have any nicknames?
not really just trace, tray, or my recent TT (friend gave it to me as a joke, had to be there!

41. How do YOU de-stress?
go be by myself and listen to music, read a book

42. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve gone without food?
i think just 2 days

Well thats it now you no alittle more about me, arent you so happy YAY, NOT! LOL

great weekend

I had a great weekend!

saterday we didnt do that much, i spent it with my boyfriend and son and it was nice. we just took a drive on country roads and then went out to eat and then ended up at bf's cousins house and and just hung out!

sunday i went to lunch with girlfriends at carrabas italian resturant and it was so fun, food wasnt bad either! had an awesome waiter, sooooo nice and just friendly, wish they could all be like that. i tasted some different wines as you can do that and i wanna become a wine drinker but just dont see it happening lol. i just dont really like that taste. i need to find a wine that taste like grape juice and id be hooked lol. food isnt cheap though so i dont think i will be going back anytime soon. we get togther at least once amonth now and try different places so who no's where we will end up next time.

on a sad note i couldnt stop crying today...... there was a house fire around here and 3 children died, mom lived but is pretty burnt. come to fine out the one child rode my sons bus and was his friend. everytime i think about those kids crying and screaming for help and their mom couldnt help them it breaks my heart and then to find out the boy is the same age as my son it just made me think of my son and what would i do if this happend. life and stuff that happens really just sucks some times! we stressed to are son today fire saftey and to never play with candles, matches etc! whats cute is someone in his class told him this boy that died is an angel now and will always be around so my son when he got hom said tucker is with me, hes an angel and all nite he was like my sons imaginery friend, he played with him and talked to him and wanted me to talk to him.......im just glad my sons taking it well.

weight on friday was the same its been but sat i was up 5 pds and i wasnt happy, i was swollen. i weighed today and im back down so im happy!

planning on having boneless barbique, i no i spelled that wrong lol but i cant for the life of me right now rememeber how to spell lol. anyway ribs, iv never cooked them before so im going to have to google or look up something so i dont ruin them!

well heres to a good week, i hope!

GOOD WEEK

This has been a good week so far, havent felt sick and im so happy, hope it last!

im craving vegitable soup, dont no why, guess i auta make some tomorrow!

boyfriend was a cranky butthead tonite and went to bed early, thank GOD! im miserable alot i admit that but when he is, watch out! its few far and between wich is good.

im hoping that i feel good this weekend so we can go do something wether it just be go to the farmers market or just take a drive, i need to get outta this house! even though i ate more this week then i have in while my weight has stayed the same so im glad. im going to weigh in tomm in see what the scale says. i hate that im turning obsessive with the scale again. when your loosing its so nice and you wanna weigh all the time and when your gaining you hide the scale and dont want no parts of it lol

well thats it for now.......happy friday

had a great mothers day!

Well today was a nice day...... i felt okay for once in many days. my bf got me a basket of flowers from my son for me and my son made me some cute stuff, it was a nice mothers day!

we didnt do anything but lay around really but oh well. went to the grocery store as we really needed to go, we only go like once a month and we were down to nuthin. iv been saying i want fruit, tons and tons of it. with my stomache issues iv been having and never nowing what i can eat anymore i stocked up on my fav chicken noodle soup and crackers and got this huge bowl of mixed fruit, has strawberrys, grapes, watermelon, kiwi, cantalope, pinapple and who no's what else, oh blueberrys, no rasberrys :( this thing cost $16 but what you gonna do for a craving, it was like another mothers day gift lol. i miss my mommy today she died when i was 5 and my father never remarried. i dont have many memories as she was sick all the time, she had lung cancer and a brain tumor wich she died from. i dont remember much like i said but i no she was a good mom! i no my life would feel more fulfilled if she was alive but i will never forget her.

ran into an old friend while at the grocery store and right away she says you look good, you lost weight? i said na im sure iv gained but i have lost 22 pds here recently from being sick but to her since i havent seen her in a yr iv lost around 40, 50 pds. so its nice to get a compliment once in awhile and on mothers day to boot!

my new insurance starts june 1st and i just cant wait iv gotta get making an appt to see a surgeon about getting this dreaded gallbladder out and then i was going to look into............ weight loss surgery, either the lapband or gastric, but i have to see if its even possible right now with me being sick all the time and having a auto ammune disease. i no i can loose weight on my own but i cant ever keep it off, i always gain back, i need something to help me and these surgerys would be the answer. today i was thinking with how little iv been eating and how i gotta watch everything because my stomache is so screwed up its almost like iv already had something done. im getting the idea of how restricted i will be and how i will be giving up so much food, its scary! i no food isnt your life but its what has gotten me thrue my ups and downs growing up , so i really need to make sure this is what i wanna do and then move on and see if i get approved by my insurance.

i hope i get thrue this week without being sick to much, if it gets to bad i will have to call the dr and see what we can do. hope everyone had a good mothers day and have a good week!

sooooo

So we all no i can be a miserable a$$ GASP!lol today i was quite miserable, im just so tired of not feeling good i just wanna be alone! i mean everything EVERYTHING was iritating me today, the cat the dog, the bf, the kid, i just wanna find them all a new home and be alone! i no deep down down im just not happy with myself and the guilt i carry around with me makes me just want to be alone , when i really dont want to be. i have guilt that im not a good girlfriend anymore because im always not well but i do tell him and thank him for everything, just dont feel its good enough! i have a wonderful bf and even though we have a great relationship im always waiting and thinking one day hes gonna get fed up with me and being sick and just not wanting to do things, i no he misses the old me, DAMN i do too! shes inside of me and i no one day she will be back but in the mean time how can i besides telling him always, show my love and appreciation??? i feel like a bad mom because my son likes attention and even though i dont have a life really i find myself pushing him away sometimes, dont want to be bothered........... i hate hurting my son i love him soooooo much . i wish he could go to someone else right now till i can get all better and then i can give him the attention he needs. telling him i love him isnt good enough i need to really show it but i just get so frustrated and impatient and wanna be alone. i do try to explain to him why i am the way i am but hes six what do i espect hes not going to understand. he just nos im moody and i yell and am not happy and i wanna be alone. I HATE THAT! so i guess what i need to no is i no how how i am, where do i go from here????? i dont no what brought this on tonite i guess just feeling sad, not for myself but just the people i love, i dont mean to be the way i am sometimes, the guilt always hits me later. i no one day im sorry will not be good enough..............

whens it gonna end!

iv been so sick its driving me crazy! ever since i started my higher dosage on my meds i havent felt that good but i could get thrue the day. well last thursday and friday i had a fever and chills etc so that wasnt good. i needed to be better by saterday because that was the day i was going to the psychic party and to meet up with some old friends.

so saterday comes i think im gonna be alright and for the most part i was till around evening time came. it was time to get something to eat so we went to hibachi, i had only had a granola bar that morning. but when i got my chicken and shrimp and rice, veggies etc i only ate few bites and i was done i just wasnt feeling good. i came home and went straight to bed, woke up 2 hrs later felt fine and got up and got a drink. well couple hrs later i woke up with A GALLBLADDER ATTACK! UGH anyone who nos me i suffer from these so bad like 2 times a yr and i dont even have to eat or drink anything for it to arrupt! so needless to say i was in pain for quite awhile wich it was weird normally its all in the front of me and this time it was only on my left side and all in my back on the left.i took a pain pill and eventually i dosed off. still felt some pain though. so sunday i didnt eat anything all day and was still getting pain on and off. i came to the conclusion that i wasnt having gallbladder attacks anymore i pulled some muscles from the spasms from gallbladder ugh. so thats what im dealing with now, pulled muscles. so again taking pain pills. i havent had one today in awhile im trying to go without them if i can and so far okay. my eating is very limited at this point, dont no if its fear or what lol but monday all i ate was a can of chicken soup some crackers . today all iv had is 2 salsbury pattys, spoonful of potatoes and some greenbeans, 1 granola bar, thats it! iv lost 20lbs in 2 half weeks. i think its from my new higher dose on meds just making me so ill. so basically i hope this is done and over with for awhile cause im tired of feeling this bad!

anyway back to psychic she said some intresting things it was fun. just said im doin alot of changing wich is very true and some other stuff not going to get into it all on here lol one thing she didnt see was my disease though lol she said i was healthy and just seen lower back problems wth lol yea i guess if i didnt have my disease or gallbladder problems i am healthy, i dont have high blood pressure or diabetes etc, was never on any meds. heres to getting thrue the week!