just feel so.....

Well today was my birthday and it was a awful one at that. i wish i had happy things to write here latley but its just not there. spent my whole day sick in bed with chills, slight fever, body pain etc etc and gallbladder attack yet again. i only was able to eat a slice of bread and a bannana today just so i could take my meds. this just really sucks anymore and im so tired of never feeling good. iv been really depressed latley and dont no if its cause im suppose to get my time of the month but never do anymore for somereason. iv been flipping out on everyone around me and okay one minute and then crying the next! im on the new meds my dr prescibed for my muscles but bf wants me off them. iv only been on them for 5 days but 2 times already have felt like i was going to black out/passout and have had more than usual body pain. bf thinks its from new meds but i dont no. i think hes just worried cause hes a truck driver and all over the place driving and wont be able to get to me if something happend. on a happier note im going to accually try to make some homemade stuff this year for thanksgiving. i live with a picky bf and son and sometimes thats good cause then i dont have to be the greatest cook lol. but going to make real stuffing this year for me instead of box kind lol. going to try to make an apple pie wich i made one 2 years ago and it wasnt bad. cant make my own crust though, gonna use frigerated kind, but will use real apples and stuff. gonna make bananna pudding wich everyone loves here! our dinner just consist of cause of picky eaters is turkey, gravy , and im going to try to make that from scratch too, can greenbeans they wont eat anything else :P, mash potatoes, rolls and cousin is making me her coleslaw, i love it and cant seem to make hers. so thats about it, miss going to others homes cause then id get all the foods i love instead of just these few but oh well, i dont need it really anyway, dont need to get any fatter!!! lol. hopefully i can even eat my darn thanksgiving dinner! probobly wont write anything else anytime soon so hope everyone has a wonderful thanksgiving and enjoy the time with your family. ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

drs appt and such

god i think im falling apart lol. now iv got this pain in my left shoulder near my chest and all on my left side near my ribs and hurts when i breath. it started last nite and has been hurting ever since although right now its not as bad. i dont no if its gallbladder related or something else. i go to the regular dr tonite to get my pulminary lung test done so ill ask the dr, hopefully he can tell me what it is. bf had no work today cause there just wasnt any. sucks cause he drives a stone slinger ( like a dump truck but slings rocks) and gets payed by loads, if no loads gets no pay. so that is stressing me out a bit cause work has slowed down so much and hes not getting many loads so pay checks have cut down quite a bit, maybe thats whats causing me pain, the stress, who no's. so anyway hes again trying to fix the car, thought it was fuel pump, $100.00 later its not that. so now hes bought a brain or computer thingy and seeing if its that, this car is driving me crazy! we have to borrow a relatives car tonite just to go to the drs and i soooo need to get out of this house. i have been in this house for 7 days straight except if you want to count going out on the porch to get son off to school and afternoon, thats it! im going stir crazy! i was suppose to get my new meds im trying out for my muscles last friday but havent been able to get them cause couldnt get to the store, will deffiently try to get them tonite. bf and i were talking about marriage and i was saying how im willing to get married at the court house and then spend a few days in nashville for honeymoon/vacation. iv always wanted to go to nashville but we never seem to have the money or something comes up when you have the money. but i thought this sounded like a great plan. not tottally happy about getting married at a court house but will settle for that if i have too. he seemed to like the idea but its up in the air and deffiently wont happen till like tax time or something when we have MONEY! we were engaged 3 yrs ago but then we stopped talking about it and i lost the ring (gasp) and etc . so we are still engaged just dont no when we will get married wich bugs the hell out of me, i feel like something is missing. i hate calling someone iv been with for 6yrs my bf you no, i want to be made an honest woman. but hes in no rush already been there done that but he nos the rule like iv said to him many times before........... ill be 29 monday if im not married by 30 then goodbye lol. he thinks im joking and maybe i am but im not going to wait around forever for someone to marry me. im not getting any younger or any better right now...... sometimes i think maybe hes holding off on marrying me cause im sick, who would want to marry a sick woman? just these thoughts in my head today dont mind me. maybe i want that added security feeling? but anywho hope everyone is having a good week and its going by pretty fast i think. have a good one. hugs

Doing better

feel so much better today! yesterday i made it through the day with no pain thank god! thank you for your wonderful comments guys, means alot! to some who have asked its, deffiently my gallbladder, or i think 95%. i have been checked and have had a ultrasound and have gallstones, have had this problem for 5yrs now on and off. i just have been noticing latley its started to come around again and worse than ever. i no surgery for this is no big deal thats not the problem. id hop up on a table in a heart beat and get this thing taken out if a dr said lets go. when you have no insurance or minimal like i do wich only pays for my primary dr and meds and glasses NO hospital stays, NO emergency room visits or NO surgery than my options or shot to hell. iv talked to several surgeons and they wont do it with out insurance or even let me pay out of pocket. iv talked to emergency room dr and he said why dont you get it taken out, what are you waiting for i say i have no insurance....... all he said was "oh". pretty much the way i take it i cant get the hospital to do anything unless i go there and its about to rupture. trust me i wouldnt live this way if i could get it taken out, its past the point of being scared or worried about money. i cant afford any good insurance, and cant get approved for insurance thrue social services so then what? we pay for are sons insurance and thats all we can afford and thats more important than me, plus for children its always cheaper anyway. so i guess until some nice surgeon feels sorry for me i will just have to deal and you'll just have to read about me complaining and dieing!!!!! lol. but thank you all for your nice comments and for caring it means alot! my bf tottally doesnt get what i go thrue and wont undertand unless youve exsperenced the pain yourself but i wouldnt even wish it on him on a day that i might be hating him lol. so anyway back to other news we are just having thanksgiving here , just me and bf and my son and thats okay with me. my sister i talk to, her husband didnt want to go to anyones house for thanksgiving so she isnt coming here like planned. my sis im not talking to she is going to spend her thanksgiving at my dads wich is where she is staying anyhow. her and her husband or split right now imagine that. i do feel sorry for her though and want to be there for her right now just dont no how to. i guess ill just have to suck it up and call her and let her no im here for her, its the right thing to do. i think we are having marinated steak for dinner and mashed potatoes and something else not sure for dinner. i want this sooooo bad, not being able to eat anything really but soup and crackers and sandwich has sucked! so hopefully ill be okay today and can have that for dinner. i tell you though i can put on weight just like that, said yesterday i lost 15 and today im up 6pds just from having a little bit to eat yesterday, man i cant win for nuthin!!!!!!!! lol. anyway hope everyway has a good monday and good week. hugs

i think im alive , just barley!

These last couple days have been horrible for me! iv just been soooo sick or worrying that im going to be sick cause of this darn gallbladder. i know i know you all are saying just get the darn thing taken out but its just not that simple. if i go to the hospital like i wanted to so bad friday they would have just kept me there forever and gave me pain meds im sure and sent me home, thats not going to help me!!!!!! so friday was the worst day, i think i accually scared my boyfriend the way i was grunting and moining and groining and slightly screaming, i was in so much pain i would have rather been giving birth. i was vomiting so much that in 2 days iv lost 15 pds. im happy about the weight loss :) sick aint i! but i just cant deal with this pain. the pain i get starts in my stomache then its all in my chest my ribs, my back, all over, feels like im having a heartache plus vomiting makes it worse and last for hours on and off and by time its over im just so tired and spent i go to sleep! today im good so far except for my body all over is killing me but that should go away later hopefully. i just hope i can make it thrue the day without getting sick, i ate a little something but just so scared. even drinking some water can get it started and thats pretty bad. pray for me i can have a good day without pain pleassssse! bf is working on the car or is suppose to be, thinks problem with the car is fuel pump so hopefully thats all it is, see thats a problem to with car acting up if im serouisly really sick , cant even drive to hospital cause car wont make it that far right now, id have to call an ambulance and i dont want that lol. so thats it right now......... hopefully if bf gets car fixed we go to walmart later so i can just get out of the house. its been raining and so windy and cold around here its depressing! i think alot of people are down and blue this time of year, i know i sure am. i shouldnt be i have my family wich is my bf and son but i guess it just hurts that i cant spend it with my father and 3 brothers and 2 sisters cause we just dont get along and not close. its very sad really! sorry for this entry to be a downer but that just a place where im at right now. hope everyone is having a good weekend. hugs

just another day!

so dont really have much to say i think......... but im sure stuff will come to me :) new pic of me , i figured i needed to update it. i dont like getting my picture taken anymore though cause i think my face looks weird, funny, just different than im use to. i dont no if its the steroid im on are what but my eyes always look weird to me than they use to, puffy like and my face looks alot heavier and puffier even though im smaller than i have been in a long while. who no's just some of my crazy rambling. we went out saterday nite for karaoke with some friends had a good time although i was ready for bed it seemed around 10:30, was tired of sitting there i guess. i had one beer, i hadnt had one in a year and i no that since im on meds i shouldnt drink but wanted one so bad so had one. was it worth it.......... hmmmmmm not really, aint missing much! now if i had a ciggerate to go with it maybe, i smoke honestly like once a month, i literally have one smoke, sounds stupid but i guess thats how i keep myself from smoking all the time. now if i could only find some kind of balance and control like that with my eating lol! you no what i really hate is people who only talk about themselves , my neighbor whom i talk to once in a while but see her everyday, shes young like me and has health problems. i noticed once i made friends with her that i do all the talking and she talks but its always about her, i ask her stuff about herself but she never asks me anything! today out of the blue she starts talking about how she just had surgery yada yada, never new she was getting surgery ,and how shes doing so good now etc . im happy for her dont get me wrong but she never ask me how im doing its just always stuff about her, i no more about her than she does me. i dont no i guess that just bugs me. my son got a note from school that he needs to get his eyes checked at the eye drs, they checked them at school and i guess it came back a problem so we have to get them checked now. i really hope he doesnt need glasses cause i no he will give me so much trouble about them and wont leave them alone, hes gotta mess , touch everything! i have to go to the eye drs too cause its been 2yrs since iv had mine checked and i no they have gotten worse. iv lost some pounds since iv been on the higher dose of medicine for 2 weeks now, i think around 7 pds so i hope that continues. iv been at a stand still with my weight these last couple months, gaining and loosing the same 5-10 pds, but i no it doesnt help with my body being so out of wack right now! i just dont want to be gaining weight it depresses me! oh well i guess thats really it, its kind of a bla day. hope everyone has a good week. hugs

just some rambling

yay the weekends here! so my sister calls today again, the one im not talking to. bf answers the phone and they are talking i can hear everything and my sis says that shes calling because my dad wants us girls to come to his house for thanksgiving. she says to bf is she still not talking to me? he says i guess so and she says well oh well she isnt hurting me she'll be hurting her father. see this is why i dont talk to her, shes mad at me cause im not ready to talk yet shes the one that screwed us over. the right thing to say would have been , well im sorry shes still mad at me and hopefully we will get past this and be able to talk again, not oh well she isnt hurting me, its like a slap in the face to me! so still not talking to her and not going to my fathers for thanksgiving to spend it with her either! im not a fake person and cant fake being happy and it wouldnt be right and would be arkward if i spend the holiday with her, why make us both miserable. i told my other sister whom im close to what my other sis had said and she said she dont no what shes talking about cause she just talked to me dad the day before and he didnt want to get together and was just going to eat out so who the heck no's whats going on. right now im having thanksgiving at my house and my sister im close with is bringing her family and my dad is more than welcome to come enough said! do you all think im being a baby and should just get over it and try to have thanksgiving with my sis im not talking too? sometimes i think im too harsh and hold a grudge to long but this just isnt the first time shes screwed me over and its always been major things and i just dont have her oh well get over it attitude, i care about things and try to be honest and like i said i not fake. she has so many lies in her marriage etc and in her life. im tired of people trying to screw me over so im not letting it happen again. i no im rambling but gotta get this out, its like her trying to sell us a car that she says is fine and then talk to her husband , bf did just other day, they sold the car and had to cause it was costing them too much money to fix this and that all the time. why would you try to sell it to me noing we are a one income family and work is slow, already have a crappy car etc etc. just proves my point about her! okay im gonna quit talking about her cause she gets my blood boiling! good news is that bf thinks he fixed car for now, hes pretty good with cars thank god. so if the car can last a little while longer id be so happy! hes going to look at cars tomm at buy here pay here and see if we can do anything, i truly hope so. i really hate that im not able to bring any money in and all the burden is on my bf, it truly upsets me and makes me feel like a looser. he no's the circumstances and says its fine but sometimes in little ways not purposly makes me feel guily and bad that i cant help out finacially or maybe its just my guilt, and maybe cause its getting to be around the holiday time i dont no.

heres a pic of my kitty shes 2 1/2 i think, got her in june from a family member. she truly brings me happiness, shes a flighty cat and not trusting but seeing how shes gotten use to me and likes me more than anyone in this house means alot. when ever im on this computer thats right wheres shes gotta be, right in front of my keyboard so its hard to type go figure lol. but dont have the heart to push her away. hope everyone has a good weekend. hugs

drs appts, annoying sisters!

well my week has gone pretty good even though my son was off for 3 days, glad he went back to school today, i need peace and quite! my bf is getting on my nerves , he keeps bugging me to call my sister back who keeps calling me but im not calling her back anytime soon. she almost 2 months ago had asked to borrow money and we let her and we let her use the bank card and she took more money than she was suppose to and that really upset me and made me loose my trust in her cause here we were helping her out in a desperate time. she did end up paying us back but im not ready to forget what she did cause i consider that stealing. so anyway she keeps calling me and leaving messages saying i shouldnt be mad at her anymore etc etc and calling bf , and he has sense spoke with her but like i said i havent and dont plan on it till im good and ready. bf says im being rude, and ignorant but i feel like its my sister if i no that when i go to talk to her i have nothing to say cause im not over it than its my choice right? thats the problem with her she thinks she can screw you over than wait a little bit and its all good and i dont feel way at all! i think deep down he wants me to call her back to find out what she wants this time and he wont do it cause he thinks she wants money again so its put the guilt trip on me , well it aint working honey!!!!! went to my regular dr for a follow up and we are trying to file for disability and he said he would do it for me, while i was there he set me up an appt to get pulmonary function test( lung test) done in 2 weeks. i have trouble taking deep breaths and make this weird noise now sometimes when i breathe and my specialist had wanted me to see a pulmonary dr anyway cause my disease can effect my lungs. so getting the breathing test done at my reg drs at the clinic and then if they are bad will have to see a pulmonary dr wich i dont no how im going to do that with no insurance and they are sooooo exspensive so i pray my lungs arent to bad and we can take care of this some other way, just never ends for me it seems lol, but it could be worse. also have to set up an appt to see the dreaded........... gynocologist :( havent been to one in 4 yrs and my dr really wants me to go, also suggested mammagram. i said no way buddy im only 28 yrs old gonna be 29 in few weeks im not old enough for that, he thinks other wise but didnt push the issue as long as i see gyno! so thats really it in the land of tracy, drs appts and such. going to hopefully get my hairdone for my birthday here soon, dont wanna wait till my birthday the 24th so hopefully get it done sooner but i wanna make a drastic change. tired of the same look iv always had basically and want something very low maintence cause my hair falls out a lot sometimes and its changed alot since being sick the texture and stuff and its just not as pretty anymore. so gonna get a short cut and dye job. just dont no what kind of short cut is the problem cause i have a fat face! lol and its round so what kind of short cut will look right? ill have to check around a bit i guess before i make this move but im doing it darn it, its grows back right......... lol. i may not have internet here for to much longer cause we have to cut back on somethings cause we have to try to find away to get another vehicle. the car all the way to the drs last nite kept stalling and wouldnt start and gears were all screwed up just a mess, i wasnt too afraid cause bf was driving and hes an excellent driver but just hate that i have no car to drive, he wont even let me drive it now if i wanted too. so going to have to cut out stuff and internet might be one, i really dont wanna give it up lol i really dont want to!!!!!! but i guess if i have to so we can find cheap payments on a car than i have to, we shall see. i told him if you take my internet away your getting rid of your seruis satalite too cause your not keeping your thing and me get rid of my luxery. im sure everything will turn out, i hope! you just gotta keep positive they say and so thats what imma gonna do. hope you all have a great day and remember its almost friday! hugs