Saturday, April 10, 2010

having a mood swing kind of day?????

I was fine earlier in the day, the sun was shining and temps were nice. at some point today i just really felt like a loser, a waste , just a burden , i could go on and on. it all has to do with me and my medical condition and people just not understanding me. YOU think because i look fine that theres nothing wrong with me, do i have to be in a wheelchair or on oxygen for someone to realize i have a real problem! im in bed lots of times because i wake up in the morning hurting soooo bad like iv been ran over by a truck, followed by weakness, stiffness, dizzyness, nausa, chills. if you felt like that wouldnt you stay in bed??? i cant do things like i use to, for example stairs or hard for me, i can go down but slowley, going up can be a big problem and sometimes i cant do them if they are too high. i get tired real easley and out of breath, my disease has caused scarring on my lungs wich causes me to cough and get out of breath, i have interstitial lung disease. so on the outside i look fine but im not, you dont feel WHAT I FEEL ALMOST EVERYDAY! medicine helps but doesnt take it all away. my bf family was giving me a hard time today about stuff i dont do anymore and how i say i need help etc and im like hello i have a problem and they are like oh we dont feel good all the time either, yea maybe you dont but trust me you dont no how i feel. its like i feel guilty over this, like i said to God give me a disease that cant be cured so i can get out of doing stuff! i would love to have my old life back and feel young again! im only 30 but physically i feel like an old woman and tired of never feeling good! I just sooooo love going to the drs almost every month and getting bloodwork every month and taking lots of pills everyday just so i can feel somewhat normal. i just love that now when i have to go places by myself i get so anxious and weak because it stresses me out. theres just so much that i dont do anymore or that im afraid to because of this and what iv been thrue. my disease is not as serouis as some out there and not trying to make it out to be, but its something i have to live with everyday and just tired of explaining. no wonder i just want to be alone somedays............... i no it sounds like im whining but its just one of those days. i guess what hurt most is my bf no's how iv changed and all that iv been thrue and he just lets people think what they want of me, he doesnt defend me and say yea shes got a problem and yea she dont feel good alot instead its let people pick on me and make me feel like a no good lazy ass! im gonna stop now and try to not let people get to me, theres always someone out there judging you when they dont no you and someone always jealous. i guess thats life!