im healing

Well im alive and coping!
i had gallbladder surgery a little over a week ago and hope no more surgerys in my near future! i have 5 incisions and they are healing nicley except for the one in my belly button wich was infected but looking better now, still hurts though grrrr. the other incision is a hole that wasnt even stitched up and i get grossed out looking at it, i hope it closes up soon yuck! i will never forget what the surgeon said to me when i was in the recovery room, she told me i gave her trouble and they had a hard time keeping me stablelized and before she left she said someone was watching over me................ Man that really has me thinking what the heck happened in there lol. but im here so its all good!

iv been able to eat fine, i no some people when they get their gallbladder out they have trouble eating stuff but iv been pretty lucky and nothings bothered me yet. wasnt put on any eating regiment.

its funny how my man thinks after 1 week i should be tottally fine and able to do things as normal as before. im not suppose to lift anything heavy for 6 weeks . my bf helped me around the house for 2 days that was it then i guess he called it quits lol.

my friend missie from the blog WHAT COMES NEXT
shes doing a 30 days of missie and i think its a great idea. i dont write often in my blog because i just dont no what to say and when i do write its normally just about all my darn dr appts and depressing stuff that even brings me down. so i think i might have to give this a try. so mine would be 30 DAYS OF TRACY
AND THIS IS WHAT THE DAYS WOULD BE ABOUT.

Day 01 – Introduce
Day 02 – Your first love
Day 03 – Your parents
Day 04 – What you ate today
Day 05 – Your definition of love
Day 06 – Your day
Day 07 – Your best friend
Day 08 – A moment
Day 09 – Your beliefs
Day 10 – What you wore today
Day 11 – Your siblings
Day 12 – What’s in your bag
Day 13 – This week

Day 14 – What you wore today
Day 15 – Your dreams
Day 16 – Your first kiss
Day 17 – Your favorite memory
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday
Day 19 – Something you regret
Day 20 – This month
Day 21 – Another moment
Day 22 – Something that upsets you
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry
Day 25 – A first
Day 26 – Your fears
Day 27 – Your favorite place
Day 28 – Something that you miss
Day 29 – Your aspirations
Day 30 – One last moment

im catching up!

WELL i got thrue my surgery last wednesday, had ERCP done. wasnt sure if it was going to happen. i got to hospital, asked million of questions and they had needed clearance from my lung dr so he wrote them a note and said yea i can have surgery but im high risk because of lungs etc and so my dr i guess didnt realize this and was taken off guard and they acted like they didnt wanna do it. started talking about how this is a simple surgery but with my problems its different yada yada . in the end i thought i would have to stay over nite and with breathing tube down my throat but i made it thrue just fine thank god!my sis was there with me the whole time and she kinda freaked from what the drs were sayin so while i was knocked out called some family and was getting them all rowled up, i think they thought i wasnt gonna make it lol. in the end my boyfriend shed a tear for me wich iv never seen and ill take it! lol even if it was just because he was scared for me. moral of the story i made it thrue, and oh the nurses and drs seen my BIG A$$ HINEY! lol so glad i was knocked out! just knowing theyve seen me naked has me tramatized, this was my first surgery!

But then 2 days later had a fever really bad, chills i thought would not stop. i had 2 comfortors on me, heating blanket, bf's body heat and couldnt get warm for 2 hrs then got so hot i stripped down to practically naked wich iv gotta be hot for me to be laying there like that( i like to be covered up) lol so hrs later started sweating so fever lasted from 10pm till 1pm next day! ugh i was exhuasted, my body hurt, everything hurt. i finally feel so much better today, i dont no what i had.

i also had to do sleep study that next nite and still wasnt feeling the greatest but went and am glad i got that over with. i had to sleep with the crap mask on, well half a mask, just a piece covering my nose. it wasnt too bad.

so iv got surgery this wednesday to get gallbladder out and hopeing that goes smoothley and then no appts for awhile i hope??????

why is it the drs say no fatty stuff because they dont want me having a attack before my surgery, that i just wanna eat everything in site! i want pizza sooooo bad anything fried! but i no i cant have it. iv been watching what i eat pretty good because of the fear lol. wish i always had the FEAR when i ate and maybe i would make better choices.

my son started 1st grade and seems to like it alot! im so happy. his biggest fear was making friends, he thinks if someone doesnt like you life is over! iv told him not everyone is gonna like you........ he made some new friends though and hopefully this is a good school year.

that boy cracks me up....... bf got him a happy meal the other day and they gave him a girl toy it was alittle doll. my son was like oh a doll this is different he brushed its long hair and then got his sizzors and chopped her hair off lmao. he said her hair was too long. he luckley threw the doll out today....... i dont have a problem with him playing with dolls but he likes girl stuff alittle to much and im trying to break him of that, he use to be obsessed with purses, he likes boy stuff more these days so lets keep with that.

did i mention im hungery! im watching food network and they have on the THE BEST THING I EVER ATE....... im salivating! but i dont eat this late so no worrys will just go to bed hungrey.

SO anyway im just trying to get thrue things going on in my life right now and plan me some goals, things for fun i would like to do. these drs appts and test have just about sucked the life outta me.

i still gotta post some pics from hershey trip and first day of school just being lazy about it. my camera when i hook it up to the computer it loads every last single picture wich is like over 100 and something because i never get them developed...... oops i really need to do that. and so i dont feel like erasing the pics i already have on my computer and cant leave them either, this darn thing is slow enough! one day at a time, i will get it done lol


hope everyone is doing good..... prayers out to lucy and your drs appt tomm or i should say today, hope good news. later

Havent been around much because i dont wanna be a downer but tonite just had to write how im feeling!

went to my appt with the lung dr ysterday as i needed to get results from some test iv had and clearance for my ERCP surgery today. well he started off on some results and they were good but by time he was done i just was in a daze, denial whatever you wanna say. i have interstitial lung disease wich is caused from my muscle disease. normally with the meds you take for the muscle disease it should help the lung disease but in my case its not working, its getting worse. he said i have 40% lungs working, so thats pretty depressing. said if it gets any worse id have to see about a lung transplant down the rd! :( i dont really no what to do theres nothing else the lung dr can really do for me, hes already gave me oxygen....... its all up to a rhemy specialalist to find the right medicine or switching around the meds and upping doses wich really isnt possible im on the highest dose. so my muscles arent getting better , i cant breath, what else is next! hopefully with these two surgerys , one today and the other next week ill be gallbladder free and that problem gone. MOVING ON........

went to hershey park monday it was fun! i so didnt wanna go but bf made me and said if i didnt go he wouldnt and was just really pushing the issue so i gave in. my son had a blast, i took some pics i will post soon. i rode around on a scooter all day lol at first i was like everyones looking at me....... but then as the day went on i liked it. hershey park is quite hilly so you get a nice workout! i mean i didnt get a workout but everyone else around me sure did, we were there from 10 am to 9ish pm, it was a lonnng day! i got off the scooter at the chocolate musuem and thought ill be fine, i'll take the ride they have inside that shows you how they make chocolate and walk around look at things etc.Boy was i wrong. i get so worried that im holding everyone else up so i over did it a few times walking to fast and had to stop and really couldnt breathe, was coughing my head off ...... i got scared. my bf luckley really looks out for me and was like just take your time, forget everyone else and i no he was worried. I learned a lesson that no matter how much im embarrassed about carrying my oxygen around in this shoulder bag thing i need to, just for cases like this ! i never use it but i sure will from now ON! in the end i had a lot of fun and it was better than staying home all alone. my son starts school today, first grade, im excited for him, i hope he likes it! if he doesnt he will be sure to let me no, that boy cant keep nuthin to himself. oh and i did a drive by hit n run on the scooter! lol not really funny but i didnt realize i did it! i scraped my sons leg, he moved too close to me i say but he says i just plain ran him over! hes so dramatic, the scrape looks better today already.

hope everyone has a good week.later

Had an okay weekend iv gotta really think about what we did my brain is shot these days, i have a hard time remembering things lol!

saterday we ended up going school shopping and that is a nightmare! my son is big for his age and he wears size husky pants. went to old navy and they had one pair of jeans left in his size and husky. i guess im gonna have to shop around real hard cause husky goes fast. i did find him one pair of husky size at the thrift store and they were like new! i scored 2 like new shirts for myself. got a bookbag and so still have to get sneakers and school supplies! Man getting stuff for school gets worse every year and more exspensive grrrrr.

went to my fathers afterwards and my older brother was there, havent seen him in months or my father for that matter, we arent close. it was a nice visit though and for once my father who normally acts like everything is okay nothings wrong with me etc , he was acting very worried about me for a change. when i got to leaving he gave me a hug and said everything will be alright, it was wierd but nice!

my sis came over too and offered to take my son for couple days so i said sure i aint no dummy, take him! lol me and my boyfriend ended up going out to a nice dinner and coming home, to tired to go out and do anything else.

so i thought yay ill have a few days kid free............ Hes BACK HOME ALREADY!:(
my sis called today and said he was crying and kept saying he missed me and wanted to come home. i tried to talk to him and see whats going on but he wont give me a straight answer. he started this crying stuff when spending the nite at someone elses like a month ago. he use to love staying at people houses but after couple hrs or one nite he wants to come home. i think hes worried about me , im not tottally sure and it could be something else but i think he hears too much about things going on.

my family is CRAZY! i come to find out they are all talking about me behind my back like im on my death bed and talking about whos getting the kid WTH! first off im not dead and hope to not die for a veryyyyyy long time and whats going on with me is still uncertain so dont jump to conclusions geez! plus he has a daddy and hes a good one you cant just take him from him. my boyfriend aka the daddy heard all this hes the one who told me and he just shakes his head and is not letting it get to him.

so my goal or plans this week is to call my rhemy drs office and get them on the ball about getting my medical records to the lung dr because even after iv told them over a month or so ago to do so they havent. i have a appt with lung dr thursday and so i need them sent by then. next i need to call the surgeon and see what the results are from my catscan done last tuesday and pray to god its good news!
and just do some things around here that need to be done.

well im getting sleepy i hope everyone has a good week. later

busy girl

Well iv been a busy girl with drs appts and such so havent felt like writing!
i had a mri done and catscan recently. come to find out the GI DR said i probobly didnt have any stones in my bile duct......... and so i had another mri done and BAM i have multiple stones in my bile duct! :( now i have to have a ERCP done, im having it done the 25th! im nervous, iv never had any kind of surgery before. im scheduled as long as everything goes okay with ERCP to have my gallbladder removed september 1st. so had catscan done on tuesday and im waiting on results for that, they wanted to see about the mass's on my lungs i guess to see if they are still there or got bigger????? also found out tuesday when i seen the surgeon and she was going over my last catscan report that it said i had Pneumonia . well that catscan was done the 1st week of june and may 1st i was very sick for what seemed like forever so i had this for at least a month if not longer and no one told me till now. if its gone now it would be because iv been on a antibiotic for 2 yrs now, so also dont no how i got it! so this recent catscan i got done tuesday is to also make sure i still dont have it.

I really hate when i find things out all late and wrong!

sleep study again on saterday OH joy!

lung dr/pulminary test next week, then following week, appt with lung dr again plus surgery then following week surgery again!

im really not liking the month of august right now! i hope they dont add anymore test to my list i cant take no more!!!!

Boyfriend and his boss's family wanna go to hershey park next week or soon before school starts. i could care less, i cant ride rides and i cant do all that walking so really its no fun for me. plus its exspensive $50 some dollers and not even gonna ride rides! im sure if they go ill end up going just cause i dont wanna be left out lol. ill have to get a scooter or something, geez i can see it now!

also what sucks is my surgery thats on the 25th well thats the first day of school for my son, going into 1st grade. im gonna miss that :( im hoping my sister can get him on the bus for me.

well thats my life these days not the greatest at the moment! I do have faith that in the end things will be better and hopefully i'll be a little better. i hope everyone is doing well, iv been slacking on blogs :( later

new dr

Went and seen a new dr today, i had to go see a gastrointernalist or something like that,i just say GI dr.

he was awesome and not anything like my other drs lol he was like pimpin lol he had his shirt half unbuttoned and a chain and called me sweetie couple times, i dont really no what to say but he was so friendly and made me feel at ease . basically i had to go see him because the surgeon wont take my gallbladder out till this dr looked at me because i supposly had a stone stuck in my duct. this dr here says he doubts i have a stone stuck because id be in major pain everyday so he told me to get a MRI done and blood work. the last MRI i had done was last yr and thats what had stated that i had a stone stuck but the dr said hes sure iv passed it since then.
so made my appt for the MRI on monday, not looking forward to that i dont like inclosed spaces so i hope he can give me something to chill out. got my blood work done wich i needed to get done anyway also.

the oxygen company called today and left me a message on when can they come out with my oxygen and show me how to use it etc. HOW ABOUT NEVER! i no the lung dr said i need it when im being active and sleeping but now that they accually wanna come deliver it its a rude awakening, i dont want it and i dont want to use it. People say you start using that stuff you'll always need it and i dont want that to happen.

when i have trouble breathing i no how to get myself calmed down and get my breathing under control so they can bring it to me but i serouisly doubt ill use it.

i have a busy month with dr appts iv got one for each week of this month!

my son starts back to school the 25th so that will be nice, 1st grade! i think hes excited its hard to tell lol i think hes just excited for new clothes, he loves clothes! my sis said she would take him for a week before he goes back to school, i hope so, it would be nice for him since he hasnt seen her in quite awhile.

hope everyone is having a good week. later

pics of the weekend

Heres some pics of demolition derby etc.......
THESE ARE WHAT MY FRIED PICKLES WERE SUPPOSE TO LOOK LIKE BUT DIDNT :(
A PIC OF ME AND MY BIG BOY! SORRY ABOUT HOW THE PICS ARE I DIDNT NO HOW TO LOAD THEM RIGHT LOL THIS IS COUNTRY LIVIN!

rough nite!

SO the sleep study wasnt bad but it was a rough nite, i hardley slept. The woman who was to hook all the wires up to me and watch me etc she was awesome so friendly! i love when you get a nice friendly person because it really helped me to not be nervous. the room looked nothing like i thought it would it looked like a hotel room, had a full size sleep number bed. i got there at 9 had to get some blood drawn and sign some papers and by time she hooked all the wires up it was like after 10:30 so i layed there and read my book, she had to come back in my room a few times because a wire came loose. she was really watching me because theres a video thing pointed at the bed and everytime i moved or the one time i itched my finger she came on the intercom and wanted to make sure the thing she put on my hand wasnt bothering me.i went to sleep at 1 but took awhile to fall alseep i woke up at 2 and went to the bathroom. back in bed it took me forever to fall back asleep but before i new it it was 6 and she was waking me up. i told her i felt like i didnt sleep at all she told me i did reach the stage of deep sleep she didnt think i would. so hopefully i will find out soon if i have to do it again and with the mask on. luckley if i have to go back I will have her again as she works the weekends.


so i came home today and bf got me breakfast i was starving i stayed up a bit and then went to sleep till 1pm. i feel more rested now lol

so guess who is napping now the bf! just when i wanted to go somewheres, oh well.

not much to this weekend it was what it was but at least i got my appts done. later

sleepy

IM so sleepy wich normally i would take a nap but i cant :( i have that sleep study tonite. im really not looking forward to this, i dont like hospitals let alone spend the nite at one! im so tired now but when i get there wich will be at 9 ill be wide awake for hrs im sure. i wish they could give me something to knock me out and not wake up till 6 lol

Had A great time at the fair last nite with my family and my best bud, i have pics just have to get them downloaded. we watched the demolition derby wich is always fun. my bf is normally in it but couldnt find a car but as he watched from the sidelines this year hes so determined to get a car for next year! there was 4 heaps wich means different classes of cars, small medium, large. a girl won for the small class and i believe guys won for the others. tonite if their car isnt too beat up they can be in it again and win big money.

ate some fried pickels wich werent that great, not much batter wich defeated the purpose. couple bites of my sons popcorn, a pit beef sandwich and that was it. i didnt even get a funnel cake so not bad! my bf got fried oreos they looked yummy but i didnt eat any. now im not gonna act like i just didnt want any of this stuff and im a good girl its mostly because i cant eat out too much when we go out, my tummy dont like it. i have IBS , sorry if too much info!

today is just a lazy lazy day, bf had to work and so hes home now and snoring away, had to get up real early.

tomorrow hopefully if it dont rain will be a day of cutting the grass wich really needs it and grocery shopping. hope everyones having a good weeked. later

iv got the greatest man

I no iv said it alot but i just love my boyfriend, hes the best!

He ended up getting off early today, hes a truck driver. even though he was tired and falling a sleep when he sat down he went with me to my appt at the hospital, didnt even have to ask him! i love him so much and appreciate how much he does for me. if only others could be so blessed! ARE YOU READY TO THROW UP YET OVER THIS LOVE FEST LOL

the echo cardio gram wasnt too bad but dont like my boobies all out but i guess i need to get over that! they make you take your shirt off and no bra and put a gown on open in the front so that was alittle uncomfortable. i have no clue what i was looking at on that screen but i heard my heart so i no i do have one! lol i just hope everything looked good, fingers crossed!

we didnt end up going to burger/karaoke nite, bf was to tired and plus we really didnt wanna spend the money as we will be going to the fair tomm nite.
when we go to burger nite even though its build your own burger i normally get a grilled chicken sandwich as i dont like read meat much. i got a great comment on here about when i get a burger to take the bun off and thats a great idea and i could do that with the chicken as well, iv never done it but could deffiently start! any comment as long as its not mean is welcome here, im verrrrrry easy going! lol

oh has anyone ever had purple green beans????? we got some today from a friend and they said when you cook them they turn like a dark green. iv said many many times before i dont no how to cook good and iv never cooked fresh beans before just can lol so iv gotta figure out how to do this. we also got 100 ears of corn! couldnt pass up the deal, we will deffiently be freezing alot. well off to read some blogs before i crash, im getting sleepy! later

I feel so sick.......
i no its just a case of the nerves! i get my echo cardio gram done in couple hrs and im not so much worried about that, well at least i think im not.

i have to go to the hospital to get this done by myself wich i hate, im use to my side kick aka my bf going with me to appts. he couldnt get off work early today though so i gotta be a big girl AND go by myself. i hate having anxiety it really sucks, makes me so nervous to just do the simple things in life, going places.

tonites burger/karaoke nite so i gotta see when bf is getting off work and if he wants to go.

i dont even really wanna talk about my weight right now but i gotta face the facts im gaining :( i dont no why im eating the same i was, nothings changed and i was loosing but now iv gained alot and feel like crap more than i normally feel like my crappy self! im gonna do all i can to eat good and see what happens and if i dont start loosing again im gonna chalk it up to my body being so screwed up right now with the problems i got.

well gotta go and hit the shower,a nice hot shower always makes you feel alittle better! later

what to say............

So had a good weekend...... saterday we were suppose to go to the harrington state fair but didnt happen, they werent opening up till later in the day because of the extreme heat. we ended up going to a amish farmers market and just walked around. later that day we had dinner with my friend and then went to karaoke and had a good time! i didnt have my son all weekend , well till 5pm sunday! so it was a nice break for me and him. his aunt who watched him took him swimming and to the county fair, he rode rides so he had fun, although she said he would cry every so often, he missed me.

sunday we woke up to no a/c! you hear me no a/c that is a crime, im a baby i need air! its too darn hot around here for that. called bunch of stores and went to stores and no one had any window units couldnt belive it. well one place had them either walmart or kmart and the cheapest they had was $500 um yea no thanks! so called landlord and he said he would be out in the morning. so that nite had to suffer with no central air but we managed, had fans galore going! landlord came out today with a guy and he fixed it, sooooooooo happy! i lived 23 yrs of my life with my dad who we didnt a/c except in our room for at nite when going to bed, it would be like over 100 degrees in that house! crazy man dont like windows open! now days i couldnt live like that anymore! iv gotten spoiled i guess and old and fat lol

iv got this weird thing on my finger that happened the day after i ate crabs, dont no if its related or not. its a shiny itchy like round circle on the side of my finger, pretty nice size, have no clue what it could be ugh! my leg for 2 days has been hard as a rock and red, dont no what brought that on but it hurts! such problems always.

drs appt wednesday for a echo cardio gram(ultra sound of your heart) so i just wanna get that over with. going to the county fair this weekend to watch the demolition derby so that should be fun, hopefully its not too hot! well i guess thats it for now. im kinda slacking on reading blogs and commenting, alot on my mind with stuff going on. hope all is well. later

pics

These are the yummy crabs my honey brought me home for dinner! they are cleaned and cooked with onions and garlic and seasoning OH SO GOOD!

The other picture is of my bichon/poo, her haircut

Thanks for the great comments and support i really appreciate it !

Later!

ugh what a day!

Well i again was so dizzy today but new i had my appt with the surgion to talk about getting my gallbladder out. i met the dr and she was very nice but the appt didnt go like i thought it would..........

she was talking about my gallstones and how my mri came back that there looks like a stone is stuck in my duct and blocking something i didnt quite understand but what she got at is i cant get my gallbladder out till i go see a GI and get the scope put down my throat and see if there is a stone stuck and if so get it removed then the surgeon will do my surgery.

Then she gets to talking about she has my catscan reults i got it done almost 2 months ago and got my lungs checked. my rhemy dr had said i needed to go see a pulmonary dr but never said why. the surgeon starts telling me i have two masses on my lungs and they are big and it was written on the report in so many words that they cant say its not cancer! shes like dont start worrying but be prepared, im like huh???? i thought i was just getting my gallbladder stuff done and now shes freaking me out saying i might have cancer. so she asked when is my appt with the pulmonary dr, i told her i couldnt get in till end of next month. she said thats too long and she got me in today. so now i have like 5 appts i didnt have lol. oh and i come to find out i need oxygen, my levels got really low during a stress test so the dr said he would order me oyxygen. i have a sleep test next saterday and yada yada. im trying to stay positive and not think bad but its kinda hard. my mom started this way, things on her lungs and she died. im really trying to not get myself worked up, could be nuthin. this day has tottally just wore me out i just wanna go to bed!

theres just so much going on medically and with still no meds and insurance dont wanna pay so we gotta appeal............. ill be alright i no im just real down right now. anyway im not going to talk about it anymore and just live my life, cant let every rd block get me down. hope everyone is well. later

case of the dizzys

Iv been dizzy for days but today was really bad! i wonder if its from me not taking that one med anymore that i ran out of hmmmmmmm, i really gotta get that straightend out. im just tired of getting the run around and i really just cant concentrate.

had a tomatoe sandwich with the farm tomatoes i bought , added some light mayo and yummo! i dont think i will ever ever buy a tomatoe at the grocery store again, they just seem to be so flavorless.

The band saterday nite was pretty good and i enjoyed myself, even had a corona w/ lime. okay i had 1 n 1/2 corona w/lime lol. i couldnt finish it all and it was making feel ick! i sat there from 830 till i guess 12 something. buy time i got home i was swelled up and hurting like a mofo!

a cool thing that happened though is the lady in the band came up to me and said your awesome and i was like huh??? she said i remember you from karaoke and you sing really good. i finally figured out why she looked formilure. iv only met her once and that was 3 yrs ago but YEA she remembered me right away lol. the band is having a summer bash next month at their home and will be having other bands there as well. she said i could get up and sing some songs with the band if i wanted, so cool!


Have plans to go out again this saterday with some friends hope i feel good enough!

my son lost his 2nd tooth last nite, thank god! hes been so whiny here latley and complaining about that tooth so im glad its out! iv just gotta try to play tooth fairy again , its a hard thing to do. if i go near him when hes sleeping sometimes he wakes up, so then i cant slip the money under the pillow. TRUST ME I TRIED LAST nite with no luck! i will try again here in a bit.

tuesday i see the surgeon for my consultation on getting my gallbladder out, i hope it goes well. i hate seeing new drs!!!! then later that nite is the seminar i have to go to for weight loss surgery. i filled out the 17 pages tonite that i have to turn in.

i hope i feel better this week cause this sucks, i was just starting to feel good...... hope everyone has a great week. later

headin out

Im breaking free, im getting out! wahoooooo

Going to listen to a band tonite,its country/rock. its my friends band and this is their first show, iv never heard them play so looking forward to it. i also wanna see just how good they really are. see this guy the lead singer he comes to karaoke where i go and i like him and hes nice and he can sing good but can be really annoying! hes one of those guys that no's hes good and just acts cocky ugh really hate that!

i no i no i shouldnt because of my meds but i think im gonna have a beer, shush dont tell anyone! lol

its been a nice day so far, i slept in got showered we then went to a little amish produce market and i got me some tomatoes and corn on the cobb and some bananna bread. hope its tasty!

gonna go get ready for my nite out.......... hope everyone is having a good weekend. later

dropping like flies

Man my followers are dropping like flies! You dont love me no more :( oh well i didnt start this blog for anyone but myself and if you choose to not follow anymore its your choice.

im alittle stressed / confused. i called my rheumatologist on tuesday early. i was directed to leave a msg so i did, i said i was out of meds and needed them i had no more refills and because the dosage on the bottle doesnt match what im suppose to accually take i keep running out to soon. so iv called the pharmacy everyday since tuesday hoping my dr called my meds in , no luck. here its friday and they did call them in, what the heck took so long! new problem! my insurance doesnt want to pay for my meds or give me what i need because something about they will pay for 3 pills and not 5 like i need and need some kind of authorization yada yada i really dont understand.

i just no i just got this new insurance in july and i dont like them already!!! meds that were suppose to be covered arent being covered etc, i really dont no what to do.

so im going on 4 days now without my IMURAN that im suppose to take everyday. i feel okay for now but im afraid its going to slowey sneek up on me. wich scares me and gets me to start worrying probably over nuthin but still.i take this for my muscles and it wasnt doing that great of a job alone so we added other stuff but if we have to cut this med out then what???? i dont need my progress to start going backwards when im trying to get weight loss surgery. its really hard for me to explain what i really mean and feel. anyway.........

went swimming today that was great! i made sure to jump around and move my legs as much as possible for exercise! my bf and son thought that was funny! had chinese for dinner, big mistake my tummy hasnt felt good sense and i have really really bad heartburn or how do i explain this dull ache in my tummy that just feels like its gonna explode any minute????

not sure whats on the agenda for the weekend..... hopefully get the truck washed and maybe go swimming again. hope everyone has a good one. later

the sun is out!

This good mood today is brought to you by the SUN! its finally out! OH and it helps that iv lost 7lbs since yesterday lol. i tell you when i swell i swell.

i dont really have much to say but thought i write something anyhow. im just sitting here listening to some music.

had some yummy lowfat eggrolls! iv been craving chinese so bad, i dream of the buffet at nite haha.

incase you hadnt noticed im always all over the place when i write...... im the same way in my life, like when your talking to me. one minute we can be talking about something and ill jump to something else and then back to what we were talking about before. i guess i do that because ill forget what i have to say lol. although i do that when i shop as well. i see a shirt and keep going back to it like a couple times before i can truley make up my mind.

well gonna go, later!

whered the blogs go

I tried reading blogs today but it said i have none i follow???? whats up with that, whered they go :(

bla bla bla

Thats how i feel! iv felt just yucky since monday..... no energy, body hurting, bloated etc! im up 12lbs in a week ugh! i no im swollen i can really feel the difference and it sucks!

ITS MAKING ME SO DARN MISERABLE! luckley my bf no's if he comes home from work and im in bed that means i dont feel good and leave me alone lol.

even though i dont feel good we are going to go to karaoke/burger nite. i dont feel like cooking but for once in 2 days i dont really feel like eating either. im really just going so my son can get out of the house for a bit, its been miserable here for days with all the rain. we need it but i still hate it!

on a different note wish that when i plan something with someone or someone says they can or going to do something that i didnt have to keep worrying or checking up on them to make sure it was gonna happen. wish i more than like 1 or 2 people i could depend on, no questions asked!

carnival is here tomm in are town so might be taking the kid, depends on how he acts. hes been so mouthy latley but i think it has some to do with being stuck in the house . is no one reading my blog anymore , no one really leaves comments :( you could just say hi, bye, how the hell or you lol. well gonna go , later

party

SO here i sit just waiting to get in the shower. my son is still sleeping!its 10:42 hes normally been up for couple hrs by now. ever since he got out of school for the summer hes been going to bed so late.... oh well he can enjoy it while he can till school starts back up.

we have a birthday party to go to today and so since its so hot! the kids will be on the super water slide as usual. momma here will be in the house with the a/c haha.

i tried some greek yogurt today since some of you rave about it and i wanted to see what it taste like........ not bad, alot less sweet than regular yogurt i think but id probaly buy again , more so if it went on sale. i normally just buy whats on sale if i can.

we went grocery shopping yesterday and spent lots of money, we only go once a month and so the bill was almost $400 geez! prices on food go up everytime i turn around. but now we got so much food in the house i dont no what to eat first. its bad when you dont have any food in the house but its just as bad when we have alot because then i think i eat more!

iv talked before on here about getting weight loss surgery and i finally did something about it. i called a place im interested in getting it done and tryed to set up an appt but was told i have to go to a seminar first. so they have one on the 20th of this month im getting my sister to go with me, hopefully she dont back out! after i go then i can get an appt with a surgion. im already thinking because im just miss suzie sunshine full of postiveness YEA RIGHT! that hes gonna say he cant do it right now because im not healthy enough yada yada. i hope thats not the case so thats why im just gonna go ahead with this anyhow and see what they say, you never no!

Im so suprised my bf is okay with this, i had to ask him because he takes such good care of me now would he want the added mess that im going to have to go thrue and hes fine with it. but of course he did say why are you doing this now you need to focus on getting your gallbladder out wich i am, i see the surgion on the 20th.

i guess because now i have insurance i wanna get done all that i need to get done before god forbit my insurnace ends. i no what its like to have no insurance and its hard! exspecially if you have to get test done all the time and lots of places now wont even see you without insurance!

i dont no maybe im putting to much on myself right now and this isnt going to be a good idea but for some reason i just gotta try!

we got our bichon/poodle a haircut yesterday,nails cut, ears cleaned, the works i love it! but if you seen her you wouldnt no what breed she is because she just doesnt look the same. i got her hair cut the shortest possible, she looks so skinny! we had to get her haircut because it got so long and curly and everytime we gave her a bath it would just get so notted up even when i brushed it and matted! the groomer said theres nothing i can do about it its gonna happen so we are gonna keep it short for now. this is officially my new fave grooming place, it cost $35 and they didnt knick her up at all like the other place and they put a bow on her coller :)

its a shame i need a haircut and highlight so bad but the dog got her hair done first lol

well gonna get off here and get ready. stay cool, later!

Wow its been so hot and no end in site! today was around 100 and tomm is suppose to be too! I had a great weekend. saterday we went over bf cousins and had a bbq and put the water slide up. sunday i was feeling so bad!!!! bf went to walmart to see what he could do about getting me some predinsone. i ran out and called it in last week, i had just enought to last me till i picked up the prescription. well i had no refills. my dr had a week to call me some more in but ovouisly didnt, go figure! This is a medicine i have to have and i take it everyday. just going couple hrs without it my body was killing me and i felt like i had the flue. my bf managed to get me some from an old prescription, screw u drs office, im really not liking them right now! we went to my friends house for bbg and then we went and seen the fireworks. the place were we parked to see them we set up are chairs and there was accually dominos pizza there lol. the boys started begging for a pizza and so my friends dad bought the boys a pizza. a delivery person just walked around selling medium pizzas for $5. they just walk right up to where ever you were sitting, it was crazy to me lol, it was a nice time.

This sunday is my anniversary, me and my bf will have been together for 8 yrs! i no im probaly driving him crazy by keep reminding him of the day but for me its special. iv never been in a relationship this long so it means alot to me. we have no special plans, we accually have a birthday party to go to and thats about it. maybe i can get him to take me out to dinner saterday.

This week feels like its going by slow and im just miserable, just moody and not happy! i think i need to go swimming if i can ever get the vehicle to go.

im gonna try to post some pics of my son on the water slide. stay cool, later!

drs appts/crabs

I FINALLY got my drs appts all set up im so happy! i put it off for long enough and then something just got me motivated today to stop delaying and just do it! good thing too, i couldnt get in to see the lung dr till august 19th and the 31st geez thats a long wait! i go see the surgeon on the 2oth of this month to talk about getting my gallbladder out, yay! so im moving along slowley but surley.

my mouth or i should say left gum is KILLING ME!!! i have what i believe to be a wisdom tooth coming in on my bottom row, the tooth dosent hurt its my gum, ouch! hope it goes away soon, i dont have dental insurance nor the funds for that right now!

my girly friend invited me to lunch tomm so we are going to don pablos/ mexican food. iv never been so hope its good, hope i can eat with this pain. i think im gonna stop and get some numbing type gel and see if that helps the pain.

we had crabs last saterday THEY WERE SO GOOD OMG! my bf's boss invited us over for crabs so we went. he cooks them like this, he takes off the shell and cleans them good then cooks them with old bay seasoning, onions, garlic and oh my heaven! you get spoiled so you wouldnt want a regular ole crab lol. we went swimming also it was a nice time. my sis n law watched my son, she offered so hey why not thats a bonus being kid free!

This weekend no real plans for saterday but sunday going to my girlfriends house for bbq and kids are gonna play on the water slide, fireworks after. it should be fun!

Thank god my insurance started for my medicine because im all out and i aint feeling too hot! i figured i could go one day without some pills but im deffiently getting them filled tomm!

i love my dad with all my heart but he just doesnt get it some times. i talked to him today and he was asking me how im doin...... well normally i dont say how i truley am doing health wise cause he doesnt understand but today i told him about the new drs iv gotta see etc....... he was like all you need to do is loose weight and you will be fine. WHAT????#?$?%/6/ this really pisses me off!I NO I NEED TO LOOSE WEIGHT GEEZ, but my problem isnt caused by my weight, iv even lost weight. he doesnt believe in taking medicine for anything and hes very old fashion. i think next time we talk i will just stick with im fine if he asks how im doing.

The weather here in MD has been beautiful and not to hot! wish it would stay that way but i no it soon shall pass.
well gonna go im alittle tired. hope everyone has a safe and fun 4TH! later!

im over it!

When i read my post from earlier i realized it was a downer and i was having a mood swing! im better now and not so woa is me!

Had a great nite at burger nite and karaoke at the local bar/restaurant! had a yummy burger with mushrooms and cheese, couple fries.

might be getting crabs this weekend if the paycheck looks good. we no people who go crabbing so hopefully we can get a good deal.

hmmmmmmmm crabs, maybe a alchol beverage(yea right) i can dream on the drink, a nice ice cold pool, hope it happens!

tata

finally

Well drs office finally called today, took em long enough! my dr wanted to no if i had made my appt with the lung dr yet wich i havent because i thought i could wait alittle longer since i need to get an appt with a surgion first for my gallbladder. so anyway my results showed that my lungs have changed and gotten worse, they were compared to Feb 09. so its like iv waited all this time and wanted a answer now i have one and all its done is freak me out!!! lol

i dont want a lung problem, my mom died from lung cancer and iv always been afraid im gonna die young like her. i need to stop thinking like that and just try to take care of myself the best i can.

i need to really call these people and get appts set up but i keep putting it off...... why??????? i think im just scared and rather pretend i dont have a problem. i guess its the same reason why i cant loose weight and keep it off. i figure im fat im not hurting anyone. but really im hurting myself. i just feel like theres so much going on with me right now its a little overwelming! i need to loose weight, iv got a lung problem, iv got muscle disease, iv got a bad gallbladder. its like what the hell else! iv gotta quit feeling sorry for myself and do something about it i no, thats the first step! sorry such a downer these are just the thoughts in my head today! its a hot one out there, stay cool. later

to be needed

SOOOOO how is everyone?????? its wednesday the week is slowley moving along! tonites karaoke burger nite, and my friend from DE is suppose to be coming with us for the first time so it should be fun.

Just got to add in here lol going on hmmmmmm almost 3 weeks now, friday being 3 weeks. still dont have my catscan results! guess the insurance company paid $500 for nothing because i cant even get my darn results. im gonna call later today and see what escuse they give me this time, i called a week ago and was told they just had to get the fax hmmmmmmm. okay im done ranting for now!

my son being out of school is driving me crazy! and hes getting tired of being home and stuck in the house lol. i new this was going to happen...... i try to get him to go outside but he doesnt have anyone to play with. i wish i was one of those crafty moms who could sit there and make stuff with him but its just not me. i did color a picture with him today though, just one, thats all i could take!

i was asked by a friend today to do her a huge favor and really i was the only person she could turn to. I managed to do it! im so proud of myself! i needed to find alot of songs for her, her computer died, stuff i have never even heard of and make her a cd. she needed it by thursday for a benifet shes doing this weekend, shes a dj. i found all the songs after searching and made a cd, im not very good on the computer and manage to always mess up something so for me to do this and it to come out right im so darn happy! i like doing things for people....... well stuff that i dont ALWAYS HAVE TO DO like laundry, cook, clean etc. for once someone needed me and not the other way around. it seems like the last 2 yrs iv lost my confidence and feel like i cant do anything i always need someone to do something for me. so this benifet im suppose to be going to also, its friday evening and its for 24hrs, its for cancer. my friends the djs asked me to go because they will be having different activitys going on like a walking relay, stuff for children, dancing etc. they will be having bands and karaoke also, thats where i come in lol. so ill get to sing so im excited about that. iv gotta get thinking about what i want to sing.
well im tired so im gonna try to get some sleep. later

Soooooo how is everyone???
we had a good weekend around here. saterday we decided to have a bbq at bf's familys house and they asked us to bring are huge water slide over so we did. my son and their granddaughter had a blast. the water slide is so much fun, not that iv ever been on it. we bought it a year ago and only used it like once it takes up alot of space we really dont have, yard wise, but bf and son just had to have it! so brought it out first time for the season and looks like everyone had such a good time and asked us to bring it next weekend. it holds up to 400lbs. i just sat in a chair and enjoyed the view, wish i could drink that would have been even better, a nice drink in my hand! dont wanna chance that though till i get this darn gallbladder out.

today daddys day we just relaxed at home. i got my bf a card and our son made him some cards and stuff. it was sooo hot today 95', alittle too hot for me. i wanted to go swimming but bf didnt feel like going and i didnt feel like driving myself so we didnt :( im gonna get to that pool this week though thats for sure!

so on health front i finally gave in and called my drs on wednesday because by this time it was almost 2 weeks i hadnt gotten my reults back yet from my pee test or catscan. i got a hold of someone in the ofc and my pee test came back fine but when i asked about catscan it was like huh????? i was like yea i got that done week n half ago almost 2....... oh let me call hospital and see if they can fax it over. well that was wednesday and tomm will be monday i havent heard a thing! i hate when this crap happens and people dont no where your results are! but anyway iv accually felt pretty good latley, pain wise. i think the new pill the dr has me on is helping out and i can move my muscles alot better than i have been for awhile. im not as stiff and swollen as i was so somethings working! i managed to get just 2 weeks of meds instead of a months worth since i was out of them and my new prescription plan doesnt start till the 1st. so i didnt have to pay as much. thanks to those who suggested doing that!

my new insurance confuses me still but im sure ill understand it more down the rd, i have medicare. i thought they only pay 80% but when i got catscan done i got a bill that said almost $500 but insurance covered it all THANK GOD! so i guess they pay for hospital stuff 100% AND like other stuff 80%??? who no's ill figure it out eventually lol. well thats it for now. hope everyone has a good week and hugs to anyone going thrue a tough time right now! later

I won an AWARD yea me!

Thanks so much for giving me an award, my blog aint much, but THANK YOU!


Okay so gotta thank Diary of a transplanted southerner for the award! gotta tell you 7 things about me you might not no. then choose 5 blogs to recieve the award.


7 things about me hmmmmmmm
1.when i get nervous or try to talk to someone i dont no i sometimes studder and jumble my words lol
2.i have a potty mouth, not so much the crude words its the cursing i need to work on!
3.im a twin- a fraturnal twin that is and no we dont get along, imagine that!
4.i love to read, anything suspense/ romance
5.im terrified of bugs, i dont want anything crawling on me!i think my loving twin did this to me from when we were little always throwing bugs on me, he tramatized me :P
6.i come from a big family you just wouldnt no it! i have 3 brothers, two sisters, im the baby!
7.i really wanna be a married woman. oh well someday!


okay heres the blogs i chose......i love you all but cant choose you all :( what would really suck is the blogs i choose dont even read mine anymore lol! that would happen to me hehehe

1.tjs test kitchen
2.adventures of gastric girl
3.rough draft
4.what is left of a whole new life
5.no more diet drama

Wow that was hard picking people, can i just say i dont like doin that :( would have chose some others as well but i dont no who reads my blog since i get few comments......... well thats it for now iv got a headache gonna pop some meds and chill. later

I had a great day peeps! i accually felt good today, yay me!
so went to the pool party and of course it was fun and i over analized and dramatized as usual and suspected the worst! i no i make things out to be so much bigger than they are, unfortuanally thats me lol. my son had a blast, he did not want to get out of that inground pool. i wanted to get in so bad , that water looked like heaven, but i was not getting my big butt in there in front of everyone. no parents got in but that teacher did in the end.

everyone new everyone like i new would happen, except me! they didnt no who i was lol. some of the parents talked to me so that was cool but again everyone else new everyone already from class trips and coming to the classroom, iv never been on a trip or to his class. i hope for the new school year to work on that and maybe go on some school trips and functions at school instead of being too nervous!my son when we got home from the party just kept saying thank you and hugging me for taking him. it really did make me happy to see him so happy! hes knocked out, he ate alittle something and went to sleep at 9. i checked in on him and he was bundled under the covers. love how a pool can wear your kid out lol!

tomorrows karaoke nite at the local neighborhood resturant so we will probobly go.

ill be glad when my son is finally done school so then hopefully we can start going swimming at the familys pool, that water is calling my name now.

i have a delima.......im out of some meds starting tomm but my new prescription insurance doesnt start till the 1st. what to do what to do! i would pay for it myself but its exspensive, couldnt be one of the meds that is only $4 it would have to be the one closer to $100. so what do you do in this situation? just suck it up and try to pay for it or can i get like walmart to somehow just wait and charge my insurance when it starts. thats it for now , later!

just wanted to say

If you think I'm mean you don't know me. If u think im nice you know me alittle. If you think im CRAZY your probably my best friend!

i love this saying! its me totally! i have my crazy qurks about me and you gotta love that about me or hate it! but in the end when you become my friend and are good to me, you have me as a friend for life! if you have good people in your life hold on to them and appreciate them, they are hard to come by these days.

Well had a good weekend AND a great lunch with my friend on sunday, im so blessed to have her as a friend! whats crazy is iv known this girl for 15 yrs, she was my best friends sister. weve always talked and stuff, shes a little younger than me. anyway we always got along but just werent that close. well last november she helped me out with my birthday party and weve just gotten real close since then. its wierd how things happen. its like why didnt we have this kind of friendship all along you no??? shes truly a good friend and one that in what feels like forever i can trust and depend on! im still close with her sister who was my best friend and shes awesome too but shes always wrapped up in her own life and i cant blame her shes got alot on her plate. so anyway i get invited to family functions and girls nite out wich i love because my family isnt close and we dont get together so this is my second family and yea it took fifteen years for me to finally feel at home lol. i have moved alot and stuff so i wasnt around these people as much hense the just feelin at home now after so long lol. anyway just glad that in this stage of my life wich physically isnt my best im truely happy and have my true friends wich isnt many but thats okay and people who love me in my life. for once i do feel the love! i really do believe its best to not have alot of friends because alot really arent truley there for you and really want the best for you. so if i die with only 2 friends im okay with that!


today at 6pm is the pool party.......... im so dreading this, im exspecting the worst. its gonna be sooooo hot! i no i can do this, i no i can do this lol. i even bought my own folding chair over the weekend because i was told she wouldnt have enough seats and some would have to sit on the ground, its a picnic pool party. well if i sit on the ground i wont be getting up, i wont be able to, we cant have that. so im prepared! im bringing ice pops wich was requested and i just hope i can try to relax and have a good time. dang wish they were having some alchol that would help, a beer ???? oh wait this is a kids party ooops sorry!
i threatened my son all last week and over the weekend if he was bad your not going......i so hoped he would be bad but no, he really has been kissing up!


Guess what ..... still no damn test results yet im getting pi$$y now, its been over a week. i think im gonna have to break down and call and see whats up. so i guess im not dieing since they havent called but i still wanna no something.

my eye kept twitching today , that is very annoying!
the scale is being kind to me at the moment even though iv fed myself alot of junk this weekend, will i ever learn and quit doing good and then intentially start doing bad! thats it for now , later

im up im up

NO not my weight wich yesterday when i weighed it was the lowest its been in awhile but then of course i ate. we ended up going to dennys, i had a side salad and then a chicken sandwich with fries, and lots of ranch dressing! bad bad i no! anyway i came home and weighed like a dummy, well just for fun and i was up 5 pds. wow didnt no you can gain that much like that lol. didnt eat anything else till 10 and had a can of vegetible soup and went to bed around 2.

im so miserable right now, i hate having to get up early because i just dont do mornings and thats when i feel my worst. i have a headache and feel sick to my stomache, this why i really dont eat breakfast. i sure hope my meds kick in soon i have a lunch date at 2!

its sooooo hot out today and humid, i like sunny days dont get me wrong but i dont enjoy hot days! im more happy in like fall , spring type weather! oh well cant control nature. bf still sleeping i hope he manages to cut the grass today it needs it, i hate when it starts to get long it looks so messy. it never fails, the neighbor on one side will cut their grass and so will the other and we havent and we are in the middle so we really stick out like a sore thumb! lol

tryed to find out where my sons teachers house is for the party tuesday, i wanted to have an idea so i dont spend all day trying to find it by myself. we found it i think, we forgot to bring the accual address but we were in her neighborhood. what can i say........ wow these houses are beautiful and huge and new! her husband must have a really good job because she didnt buy that on her salery im sure! these were like my dream home! anyway gonna get off here and get my son something to eat. hope everyone has a wonderful sunday, stay cool! later

beautiful hot saterday

SO i hear its hot outside but im not going to find out anytime soon, ill just stay right here and listen to my music! something about music can just put you in a better mood or get you moovin! for me it gives me a adrenaline rush like iv just drank a cup of coffee lol im very sensitive to caffeine and dont drink reg soda and rarley diet because it can me feel really sick, so if music gives me a rush i will take it!

bf and son are out doin their own thing and thats okay i like me time, quite time! they should be home soon though we have to go to walmart to pick up some stuff. not really sure what else we will get into.

im hungrey but i wont eat......... this is why i have a weight problem i go all day without eating till like around 4 then i eat and then it seems all nite i wanna eat. iv done this for as long as i can remember and i dont no why. i no its no good for me and duh i dont loose weight but when youve done it for so long its hard to break the cycle. if i ate 3 times a day or every 4 or 6 hrs i feel like im pigging out lol but i dont feel that when i go all day till evening to eat?????? i just dont get myself sometimes.

im going to lunch with my friend tomm we are going to bugaboo creek, they have really good food and my fav..... onion soup. we are going at 2pm. see when i eat lunch with her im normally good the rest of the day, i not hungrey till like 10pm
hopefully if i end up getting weight loss surgery i can learn to eat better and at the right times. its on my TO DO LIST!

This week will be my son last week of school and then he will be going into 1st grade! im so excited, i really wasnt sure if he would pass kindergarden, they exspect them to no alot more these days but he did good. hes learned how to read and tell time alittle, im very shocked! my sons teacher is having a pool party on tuesday and only one parent could bring their kid and well who do you think has to take my son..... ME! this really scares me, i dont do well with people i dont no. i can be really shy unless i feel comfortable with you. But im trying to look at this as a good thing, it will make my son so happy and he wants me to meet his friends. i hope his bestfriend will be there because then i can hopefully talk to his mom and see about him coming over one day during the summer so him and my son can play and go on this super water slide we have. theres no kids for my son to play with around here so hes always bored out of his mind and he dont like going outside. I no i can do this and its only for 2hrs, its not as bad as i make it seem in my head and im sure i will have a good time, if not oh well ill get over it. see i gotta try to talk to myself positive, even if its a lie hehe

i feel lighter today, im sure iv lost something......

well thats it for now, hope everyone is having a good day. later

Today wasnt a bad day but wasnt good either. nothing happened i just wasnt happy and didnt feel peppy like yesterday. i wanted to be alone and have quite! once my son gets home from school though its time for the noise and hes so loud, iv gotta constantly tell him quit yelling lol. i was so glad when his father came home and took him out with him to run some errands so i could be alone. just one of those days where loud noise , jumping around etc was driving me crazy. still no results yet from my test..........maybe tomm??? i can only hope.

I was watching this show earlier called bait car or something like that, people are so dumb, trying to steal cars. i feel no sympathy for people who steal etc. thats why i hardley trust anyone these day.

write now im watching a show dealing with people with ocd. now iv joked before and said im alittle ocd and i think i really am but man these people i feel so bad for them, it controls their life majorally! i get real anxouis having to go places by myself , dont no why but i do. i get nervous calling people on the phone , dont no why lol. when i dont clean my house wich is alot less often then before, i use to vacuum my floors twice a day now im lucky if i do it every other day. anyway it haunts me, i feel soo dirty if i dont get it done and ill think about it all day. BUT i try to not let it control me, iv had to say to myself there is more to life then wether i vacuumed the floor that day, even if it makes me feel good. so i have some deep issues wich im sure come from my up bringing but you gotta try to not let it control you. wish i could say the same for food, thats an issue too! oh and dont get me started on shoes worn in the house i cant stand that and dont allow it.

Man i shouldnt watch this show it makes me think to much! lol

so hopefully we will be going to karaoke tomm nite wich is burger nite! dont feel much like having a burger but it would be nice to go out for even an hr.

iv gained 5 pds :( not happy but i keep loosing and gaining the same 5pds couple times aweek. i no my eating could be better and i need to watch that. damn that orange cake haunting me in the kitchen. see i do something nice for bf, bake him a cake and now its like i wanna just keep eatin it lol. thats why i havent made a cake in over a year. i feel like all over the place, my mind is just racing.

i think im gonna try to go to sleep. awesome to see i have some new readers, Yay! SORRY im not intresting to read, i wasnt blessed with story telling lol. later

waiting.........

I hate waiting!
im not a patient person..... well i am when it comes to certain things but not when it comes to results!
i had the pee test done thursday and catscan on friday so im waiting for my results. i just wanna no something. its like tell me something already. im hoping and i no this sounds crazy but i hope they do find something so that im not crazy and the pain i was feeling is real and just so i no whats going on with me. if they dont find anything then its like hmmmm where do we go from here, i hate that! most of the time you give up and just deal with the problem then, then to have to look into it further.

friday nite we went out for karaoke after my test and had a good time. it was nice seeing friends i havent seen in while, plus to sing, i love to sing!
the rest of the weekend was pretty boring, it was just another weekend.

Today was the love of my life aka my boyfriends birthday, he turned 38 today, man hes getting old lol j/k
i cooked him a roast and mash potatoes and corn for dinner. i say i cant cook and i really cant that well but i make a good roast or so my family says! i put it in the crockpot with some onions and ajue or however you say and some seasoning and just let it do its thing. 7 hrs later its falling apart and soaking up the juice, yum yum love my crockpot! i also baked him a orange cake with buttercream frosting that i added some orange astract to, he likes orange cake so thats why i chose that. so it was a nice day and i accually felt pretty good today, got stuff done around the house wich always makes me happy.

dont no whats in store this week but hopefully its a good one. later......

got some things done

MY BF DIDNT have work today so he was able to take me to some offices to fill out papers and then i got my pee test done and have an appt tomm nite to get catscan done. had to drink that nasty milky stuff, yuck! then drink the rest an hr before my appt yippie lol. got my new meds and here in a bit gonna test out this muscle relaxer lol i hope it dont make me feel sick.

so bascially as long as i get this stuff done thats on my list i will be fine, if i dont i just keep thinking and thinking about it, im like a liitle ocd i think! i can stress myself out over the stupidest things and i hate that.

money is an issue right now and so im stressed! we bought this truck we needed so we could accually get around without fear of breaking down but it sucked are money supply down. bf hasnt had much work latley wich is scary, normally winter is the time we struggle not summer! so i have that worry on my plate right now and trying to figure out where we can cut back. im very glad my new medical insurance will help with all these test and drs i have to see are id be stressing about that.

I no i'll get through it, everyone has hard times! thanks everyone for your comments i no it seems i whine and cry all the time about how i dont feel good lol its my nature unfortuanlly and its my life. my blog is for me to write how i feel wether it be nuthing but whining its my blog so either read it or dont!

no one said anything to me to make me write the last sentence. i guess i just feel guilty sometimes with all my complaining and like i have to make my blog about what people wanna read. but i realize these are my feelings and im tired of caring so much about what other people think!

this is going to be a hot summer! this week so far has been sooo hot, humid, if you have trouble breathing in general its not good! PRAISE THE LORD FOR A/C!!! lol i serouisly dont think i could go back to not having it. grew up my 20 some yrs with out it, met my bf and hes just gotta have it are thinks hes dying so now im the same way! thats it for now......

i wanna hide

Had a good weekend, went to cowtown and made it around the fleamarket but got wore out like i figured would happen. sunday went to my friends familys house and had a good time, ate good food and the kids played on the water slide. it was a nice hot day for it!

Today i went to my rhemy drs appt. he said my muscle test came back good and my levels have went down so that was good. i told him though iv been so sick it seems ever since we increased my one med and so he decided that even though its helping my levels to go down that we should lower the meds back down and see if i feel any better since its making me feel ill! iv gotta get a pee pee test and a catscan done to find out whats going on with this pain on my left side as he he has no clue, wich i figured he would say. also wants me to set up appt for a pulmologist lung dr as im having harder time breathing....... then i gotta set up appt to see the surgeon to get my gallbladder out....... plus gotta set up appt for john hopkins so i can see the rhemy dr there, just waiting on my drs office to fax referrel and records. IM OVERWELMED! i hate calling people and normally keep putting it off but i no i cant. i just get so darn overwlemed. i need someone to just make all my appts for me and ill go, how does that sound lol. he called in prescription for new pain meds as the oxycodone just makes me feel sick and he called in muscle relaxer for the spasms im having. i said to the dr even though you say the muscle test came back lower i dont feel any different....i guess i thought we get down this low i should feel like hop skipping around, have all the energy in the world, so not the case. he said i probobly wouldnt feel much difference and wont till we get where we need to be. i just wonder if its my mind set holding me back. iv felt bad for what seems like so long do i no what it feels like to feel good again. im my worst enemy!

anywhoo its hot and gonna be hot the rest of the week in the 80's and close to 90's whoa baby! well thats it for now

i did it!

Well......
i went to the graduation and was glad i went! at first it was very uncomfortable and i didnt no what to say how to act but later i was fine. my family members i was having problems with we ended up having a heart to heart and they apologized and said theyve missed me alot! i said i appreciated it and am glad we are trying to fix are relationship but....... i cant just jump back in like that, i was hurt, you need to win back my trust because right now its just not there!

we ended up going to dinner aferwards at bugaboo creek wich is yummy resturant. i got home late that nite, not till 11:30 or so. i no now i will never be in a rush to say yes to going to a graduation, they are longggg!

SOO then ever since thursday iv been so sick! iv got pain on my left side of my body up to my shoulder and muscle spasms. i have no clue whats going on. i had the same thing couple weeks ago and it lasted for couple days. its very painful and i can hardley move. iv been popping pain pills and in bed alot! iv been told it could be something with my kidneys. i really wish i had went to er when it first started...... but no i hate the er and just suffer with the pain, yet that doesnt help me because i dont no what the heck is going on with me! i see my rhemy tuesday so ill tell him and see what he says, probobly send me to get an mri. im hoping its just side effects from meds or something and not really my kidneys, GOD i cant take no more!

we are going to try to venture to cowtown tomm morning, its a big indoor outdoor flea type market. i havent been there in a long time. im hoping i feel well enough to go, iv felt better today but still have pain when i cough or bend a certain way, bend over. i invited my friend to go so fingers crossed. well even if i dont feel good i can just suck it up for a bit! if i never went anywhere as bad as i feel most
days id really have no life or enjoyment so gotta suck it up!

so basically looking forward to the weekend, iv got plans lol! hope everyone has a good one.

letting go of the hurt

Had a pretty good day today.......... went and got my bloodwork done, so im glad i got that out of the way. went to the carnival tonite and my son had fun! it wasnt much of a carnival only about 12 or maybe a little more rides. they only had cotton candy there nothing else so i couldnt get myself in trouble eating junk! lol luckley i dont care for cotton candy.

got a very unexspected phone call from someone i hadnt spoke to in a month or more. we parted not so good and feelings were hurt, mostly mine! anyway i was asked to go to their graduation and at first i was like HELL NO, thinking this to myself. i didnt wanna go because i still have hurt feelings and im not one to pretend all is okay and good now, my face will say it all! lol but i got to thinking, its family, i gotta pull up my big girl panties and be the bigger person and set my feelings aside for a couple hrs. i just hope i can do it! iv gotta go somewheres iv never been wich freaks me out, be around some others wich have hurt me and try to be civilized, its going to be hard.......... but i no if i can do this that im trying and trying to better myself and do things that i would normally not do because it makes me uncomfortable. im also going because im proud that this person is finishing school, i never finished high school and regret it soooooo very much and have tried the nite school thing and tryed to do the ged but just couldnt ever do it. when things get to hard i tend to quit! so anyway thats that. thanks to all that comment on my blog, i appreciate your comments! lol

im starving

im soooo hungrey, or so i think i am! im watching diners drivein and dives , not to smart of me lol. my weekend was pretty uneventful........ saterday i just pretty much layed around as i wasnt feeling the greatest and just had no energy. my loving boyfriend brought me steamed shrimp that day, yum! love that man! sunday just hit walmart for are usual weekley stuff we buy like milk, bread, meds , you get the idea.

this week is busy, well busy to me. keep in mind 7 days out of the week i get out maybe once or twice. i need to get blood work done this week so ill have my results by next week , i have a rhemy appt. i need to hit another spot to fill out some papers. daddy wants to take our son to the carnival that is here this week so he mentioned going tomm. dont no whats on the ajenda sat, was invited to a bbq from a friend but not a friend i see very often and shes going to have tons of people there i wont no and that makes me uncomfortable so im sure im not going. sunday friends invited us over for memorial day party so we are going to that. i have to make either brownies or peanutbutter tandycakes. i will need my bf's help in the kitchen as desserts or cooking are not my thing nor am i that good at it!lol. so feels like a busy week to me lol to some this is what they do in a day lol

my boyfriends birthday is coming up its the 7th and i just dont no what to do for him. i normally just get him a card and tell him to go buy himself something pretty lol i dont no what to buy him, id rather you get something you like as he never likes what i pick out anyhow. so iv gotta try to make some escuse to get the truck as he takes it to work everyday, he doesnt need to though. iv gotta get the truck and get to the store so i can buy a card and buy him a cake or something. but ......trying to get the truck isnt easy as he no's i never rarley go anywhere and i hate to drive so iv gotta really think about this.

i kinda am looking forward to summer now so i can get out of the house and maybe go swimming???? family has inground pool that they open up and hopefully will this year and no one hardley ever gets in it. i think and i no this will be good for me and my muscles, plus it will give my son something to do.

ugh the 22 pds i lost recently are creeping up on me! i gained 5 back in 2 weeks, could be worse. i guess im not feeling as bad and im eating more,i cant live on soup and crackers. i am swollen so at least couple of those pounds is that. i just no i need to try and watch what i eat the best i can because i dont want nor need to gain any weight!

well i guess thats it for now, im getting tired! have a good week.

survey

Got this off another blog, can i buy another vowel? going from fat to fit!since i have nothing really to say today as its just been another day, here you go!


1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
closed, i never have my door opened unless getting clothes out, dont want my cat getting hair on my clothes.

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels?
most deffiently, ill take whatever is free!

3. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
well we have a fitted sheet on the bed but i lay on it and bf sleeps under it, i cant be under it i feel smothered! i also sleep with one leg outside the cover unless im toooo cold :P

4. Would you rather be attacked by a bear or a swarm of bees?
ahhhhhh bees id be more likley to live.

5. Do you have freckles?
I do, you only see them though when i get some sun. im pretty white right now so i havent seen them in awhile.

6. What is your biggest pet peeve?
wow i have many! liars, unreliable people, fake people, etc etc i could go on and on.....

7. Have you ever peed in the woods?
Yes not that i wanted to but had no choice. growing up you could say i was kinda prissy so peeing in the woods wasnt nice lol i think i was just afraid of peeing on my clothes!

8. Do you ever dance if there’s no music playing?
um not really

9. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
naaaaaa i just tap them.

10. Is it ok for guys to wear pink?
i suppose, depends on the guy and what color pink!

11. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
mcdonalds sweet n sour, honey mustard

12. What is your favorite food?
chinese food, italian sub.......

13. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
cindarella man, beetlejuice, anything animated!

14. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
nope

15. Can you change the oil on a car?
deffiently not

16. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
no thank god! never got pulled over either!

17. Ever ran out of gas?
nope im very aware of the gas gage!

18. Are you lazy?
i most deffiently can be....

19. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
really whatever we could make , parents didnt wanna spend money on custumes. i was a crayon, grape,baby, some scary thing, who nos what else.

20. How many languages can you speak?
just english

21. Who is better…Leno or Letterman?
cant really say i dont watch enough

22. Do you sing in the car?
yes most deffiently, singing is my life!

23. Ever eat a pierogi?
Yes very tasty!

24. First concert?
ummmm as i was too poor to ever see boy bands growing up my first was when i was around 19,20 and it was brooks n dunn in atlantic city.

25. Where would you be able to spend hours and be happy?
at the beach listening to the waves!

26. What’s your favorite kind of doughnut?
Glazed or something they have around here called managers special..... chocolate glazed donut cut in half with frosting or some kind of thick whippy cream in between and sprinkles on top!

27. Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
3 tattoos, couple holes in my ears. use to have my tongue pierced but took that out 2 years ago.

28. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?
my boyfriend. none of my friends call me they text wich i hate! miss the old days when thats what you had to do.

29. Are you still friends with the people you knew in middle school or high school?
i have still one good friend from highschool. i was very shy so didnt make friends easley :(

30. What is the last thing you ate?
wheat thin crackers

31. What did you want to be when you grew up?
A singer!

32. Name three things that are close to you:
My cell phone, remote,cup

33. What was your best subject in school?
english

34. What is your favourite restaurant?
hmmmmm applebees right now because i love their onion soup!

35. Any hidden talents?
not a hidden talent but iv been told i sing really good.

36. What is your favourite girl’s name?
I have a couple of fav's, miley, lilly,cheyanne

37. Would you rather be a rock star or a famous athlete?
rockstar!

38. What are you wearing right now?
grey shirt, pajama capris with hearts and design on them

39. Did you graduate from college?
nope, didnt even finish highschool, regret it all the time!

40. Do you have any nicknames?
not really just trace, tray, or my recent TT (friend gave it to me as a joke, had to be there!

41. How do YOU de-stress?
go be by myself and listen to music, read a book

42. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve gone without food?
i think just 2 days

Well thats it now you no alittle more about me, arent you so happy YAY, NOT! LOL

great weekend

I had a great weekend!

saterday we didnt do that much, i spent it with my boyfriend and son and it was nice. we just took a drive on country roads and then went out to eat and then ended up at bf's cousins house and and just hung out!

sunday i went to lunch with girlfriends at carrabas italian resturant and it was so fun, food wasnt bad either! had an awesome waiter, sooooo nice and just friendly, wish they could all be like that. i tasted some different wines as you can do that and i wanna become a wine drinker but just dont see it happening lol. i just dont really like that taste. i need to find a wine that taste like grape juice and id be hooked lol. food isnt cheap though so i dont think i will be going back anytime soon. we get togther at least once amonth now and try different places so who no's where we will end up next time.

on a sad note i couldnt stop crying today...... there was a house fire around here and 3 children died, mom lived but is pretty burnt. come to fine out the one child rode my sons bus and was his friend. everytime i think about those kids crying and screaming for help and their mom couldnt help them it breaks my heart and then to find out the boy is the same age as my son it just made me think of my son and what would i do if this happend. life and stuff that happens really just sucks some times! we stressed to are son today fire saftey and to never play with candles, matches etc! whats cute is someone in his class told him this boy that died is an angel now and will always be around so my son when he got hom said tucker is with me, hes an angel and all nite he was like my sons imaginery friend, he played with him and talked to him and wanted me to talk to him.......im just glad my sons taking it well.

weight on friday was the same its been but sat i was up 5 pds and i wasnt happy, i was swollen. i weighed today and im back down so im happy!

planning on having boneless barbique, i no i spelled that wrong lol but i cant for the life of me right now rememeber how to spell lol. anyway ribs, iv never cooked them before so im going to have to google or look up something so i dont ruin them!

well heres to a good week, i hope!

GOOD WEEK

This has been a good week so far, havent felt sick and im so happy, hope it last!

im craving vegitable soup, dont no why, guess i auta make some tomorrow!

boyfriend was a cranky butthead tonite and went to bed early, thank GOD! im miserable alot i admit that but when he is, watch out! its few far and between wich is good.

im hoping that i feel good this weekend so we can go do something wether it just be go to the farmers market or just take a drive, i need to get outta this house! even though i ate more this week then i have in while my weight has stayed the same so im glad. im going to weigh in tomm in see what the scale says. i hate that im turning obsessive with the scale again. when your loosing its so nice and you wanna weigh all the time and when your gaining you hide the scale and dont want no parts of it lol

well thats it for now.......happy friday

had a great mothers day!

Well today was a nice day...... i felt okay for once in many days. my bf got me a basket of flowers from my son for me and my son made me some cute stuff, it was a nice mothers day!

we didnt do anything but lay around really but oh well. went to the grocery store as we really needed to go, we only go like once a month and we were down to nuthin. iv been saying i want fruit, tons and tons of it. with my stomache issues iv been having and never nowing what i can eat anymore i stocked up on my fav chicken noodle soup and crackers and got this huge bowl of mixed fruit, has strawberrys, grapes, watermelon, kiwi, cantalope, pinapple and who no's what else, oh blueberrys, no rasberrys :( this thing cost $16 but what you gonna do for a craving, it was like another mothers day gift lol. i miss my mommy today she died when i was 5 and my father never remarried. i dont have many memories as she was sick all the time, she had lung cancer and a brain tumor wich she died from. i dont remember much like i said but i no she was a good mom! i no my life would feel more fulfilled if she was alive but i will never forget her.

ran into an old friend while at the grocery store and right away she says you look good, you lost weight? i said na im sure iv gained but i have lost 22 pds here recently from being sick but to her since i havent seen her in a yr iv lost around 40, 50 pds. so its nice to get a compliment once in awhile and on mothers day to boot!

my new insurance starts june 1st and i just cant wait iv gotta get making an appt to see a surgeon about getting this dreaded gallbladder out and then i was going to look into............ weight loss surgery, either the lapband or gastric, but i have to see if its even possible right now with me being sick all the time and having a auto ammune disease. i no i can loose weight on my own but i cant ever keep it off, i always gain back, i need something to help me and these surgerys would be the answer. today i was thinking with how little iv been eating and how i gotta watch everything because my stomache is so screwed up its almost like iv already had something done. im getting the idea of how restricted i will be and how i will be giving up so much food, its scary! i no food isnt your life but its what has gotten me thrue my ups and downs growing up , so i really need to make sure this is what i wanna do and then move on and see if i get approved by my insurance.

i hope i get thrue this week without being sick to much, if it gets to bad i will have to call the dr and see what we can do. hope everyone had a good mothers day and have a good week!

sooooo

So we all no i can be a miserable a$$ GASP!lol today i was quite miserable, im just so tired of not feeling good i just wanna be alone! i mean everything EVERYTHING was iritating me today, the cat the dog, the bf, the kid, i just wanna find them all a new home and be alone! i no deep down down im just not happy with myself and the guilt i carry around with me makes me just want to be alone , when i really dont want to be. i have guilt that im not a good girlfriend anymore because im always not well but i do tell him and thank him for everything, just dont feel its good enough! i have a wonderful bf and even though we have a great relationship im always waiting and thinking one day hes gonna get fed up with me and being sick and just not wanting to do things, i no he misses the old me, DAMN i do too! shes inside of me and i no one day she will be back but in the mean time how can i besides telling him always, show my love and appreciation??? i feel like a bad mom because my son likes attention and even though i dont have a life really i find myself pushing him away sometimes, dont want to be bothered........... i hate hurting my son i love him soooooo much . i wish he could go to someone else right now till i can get all better and then i can give him the attention he needs. telling him i love him isnt good enough i need to really show it but i just get so frustrated and impatient and wanna be alone. i do try to explain to him why i am the way i am but hes six what do i espect hes not going to understand. he just nos im moody and i yell and am not happy and i wanna be alone. I HATE THAT! so i guess what i need to no is i no how how i am, where do i go from here????? i dont no what brought this on tonite i guess just feeling sad, not for myself but just the people i love, i dont mean to be the way i am sometimes, the guilt always hits me later. i no one day im sorry will not be good enough..............